Simply Better Together

Eden Says: She speaks the truth

2012-01-22T18:22:00.000-07:00

Today Eden and her cousins wanted to make a treat. They were discussing what to make when I heard Eden say, "let's make brownies! Phil's brownies are the best!" At least she'll always have good brownies to remember her daddy by. It just amused me.

********************

Tonight we were playing the opposite game. It went something like this:

Me: You hate ham.
Eden: No I don't, I LOVE it!
Me: You are a little bit ugly.
Eden: No I'm not! I'm CUTE!
then Eden said, "let me try."
Eden: You are really cute when you are sick.
Me: laughed.
Eden: Mom, now you say that you are really kind of ugly when you are sick.

There you have it folks, don't look at me when I'm sick, I'm hideous!

I know Charlotte, and I'm no Charlotte

2012-01-20T22:22:00.000-07:00

I am the junior primary chorister. It is indeed, the most beloved calling in the church. I get to teach adorable (and mostly well behaved) children fun and beautiful songs about the world and the Savior and the plan of happiness and family and love. It is glorious. Don't tell anyone though because for some reason, people think it is a hard calling and they give me all kinds of positive feedback and kudos for taking it on. I like to keep them in the dark about how fabulous I really have it.

Last Sunday I allowed the children to "perform" the new song we've been learning (As a Child of God you can listen to it here). I had cards that said things like "ate cereal for breakfast" or "enjoys math" or "wearing green" and if you fit the category, you got to go to the front of the room with everyone else in the category and sing the song for the audience of other kids and teachers. I got to stand in the back of the room and kind of direct these grand performances. It is a tricky way to get the kids singing the same song over and over and over until the music, words, and (especially) principles are imprinted on their brains and hearts.

It was going quite well except that the performers were a little tentative. I tried telling them they needed to sing loud enough to get the sound all the way back to where I was standing. I tried cupping my hand around my ears in that universal sign that means "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Finally I decided a demonstration was in order. Keep in mind that the teachers of these cute kids all had their unsuspecting backs to me and were likely deep in thought about their upcoming lessons or what was for lunch or what to do about their unruly teenager. Now, on to the demo. I tentatively and quietly sang part of the song and asked the "performers" if that was sufficiently projected. They giggled and said, "no." Then, forgetting that I have neither Charlotte's operatic voice nor her pizzazz, I proceeded to sing a line in my most sustained, booming, operatic voice. I think we about lost a few of those unsuspecting teachers as they jumped out of their seats.

Who knows, I may be telling the pianist to "hit it" next week.

The Power of a Teacher

2012-01-06T19:02:00.000-07:00

I received a card in the mail today. It is from my fifth grade school teacher, Judd Mills. He was an incredible teacher. He inspired learning, good will, and civic/community responsibility. He had a way of letting each student know they were loved and appreciated for who they were.

When I was in my first year of college and thinking I wanted to be an elementary school teacher I shadowed him for a day. Afterwards, sensing that I was in elementary education for the wrong reasons, he talked me out of that major.

When Phil and I got married, one of my favorite gifts came from Mr. Mills. He sent me an essay (complete with photos) that I had written in his class. It was about my life and what I hoped for my life. He had kept it all those years. I can only assume he kept every student's essay and sent them at momentous times like graduations and marriages. That is the kind of teacher and man he is. He has remained invested in the lives of countless students all these years later.

I want to share what he wrote in the card I received today.

I wanted to let you know how happy I was to receive your Christmas greeting. We always post the Christmas pictures on the wall by the fireplace, and the smiles being shown by you and Eden light up the entire room. It is a smile that I remember from West [my grade school], and I am so glad that the two of you are able and willing to share your joy with others.

I know that the two of you and your entire family have faced some difficult challenges in recent years, and I am always comforted by the knowledge that your faith in God and the love of your family and friends will see you through the rougher spots in life.

I think that as we put away the decorations of Christmas, I will hold your card back; it may be held to the door of our refrigerator with a fancy magnet, or it may become the bookmark for my current reading material. Happiness at a glance–what a gift! love, Judd

The gift here is a loving, caring, wonderful teacher (from over thirty years ago) still instilling courage and hope in his student. Thanks Mr. Mills!

Christmas 2011 - part 2

2012-01-06T08:28:00.000-07:00

Here are some photos from Christmas morning:

She loves it!

The thrill of a filled candy cane!

The approach

The reveal

The pose

Every year Santa brings us toothbrushes in our stockings

Eden has wanted a doll that can shut her eyes. Meet Molly.

This pose just cracked me up!

The stocking stuff opened, it is now time to go for the bigger presents.

How can one kid's Christmas be this messy?

Our very kind neighbor couple gave Eden the singing and glowing Tangled Barbie doll. She received five Barbies in all this Christmas!

Eden in her Christmas dress from aunt Adrienne

Showing off the scotty dog tights. We went to our ward and then to my parent's ward too.

Exhausted (and wearing her PJs from Santa – he sneaks them into our stockings on Christmas Eve day, sneaky Santa!)

One of my favorite quotes of the day was when Eden and Brinley (her cousin who lives down the road) were discussing what treats they'd left out for Santa. I mentioned that he drank the milk and put his mug in the sink. They both responded with gasps then Eden said, "good job Santa!" Brinley said, "REALLY good job Santa! I didn't know Santa was polite."

So cute!

Christmas 2011 - part 1

2012-01-05T12:20:00.000-07:00

We had a FABULOUS Christmas. I'm not sure we will ever beat the enthusiasm and excitement that existed at our house Christmas day. Eden was so thrilled with everything. She loved the giving equally with the receiving. Everything was magical and wonderful. So much fun!

We had a nice time on Christmas Eve with my family. The day after Christmas was spent with many of the Kesler gang. Good, good times.

Here is a pictorial:

cousins opening presents on Christmas Eve

Eden was very specific in leaving treats for Santa AND his reindeer. He left her this autographed picture and the bavarian mint because it is her favorite (and between you and me, this Santa isn't much for mint + chocolate).

Eden's stash Christmas morning.

Mine. Can we tell who was naughty and who was nice? :) Actually my gift came via UPS a few days before Christmas. Santa got me a new sewing machine (thanks to a great tip from Norma).

The inside of the Barbie Castle

The outside of the Barbie Castle I painstakingly made for her. Actually, it was SUCH a fun project.

I moved this into her bedroom so when she woke up (at 5am!) this is what she saw.

Eden Says: Remarkable

2012-01-01T21:58:00.000-07:00

I am so amazed by this girl. She is such a remarkable little spirit and person. She is constantly saying things that seem beyond her 4 1/2 years. Here are some examples from today:

During the Sacrament at church I said, "listen to this next prayer. In it we make a promise. I want you to listen really well and tell me what you think it is." After the prayer on the water she climbed on my lap and said, "actually there are two promises. We promise to remember His blood and we promise to always remember Him."

********

Tonight we read the story of "You Are Special" about the wemmicks and Eli, their maker. This isn't a book we've read often and it probably has been over a year since we read it. After I got done reading I asked her what she thought and if Eli reminded her of anyone. "Yes, he is like Heavenly Father and the wemmicks are like us." She had totally understood the allegory.

*******

For some reason she has recently been fascinated with writing on things that are NOT paper. It seems strange to me that we've never had a problem with this before and now all of a sudden I'm finding pencil scribbles on the bannister and on outlet covers and plastic cups. The punishment has been that she has to clean these things but Magic Eraser has made that all too easy. Finally I told her that if I find writing on something that is not paper she will have to go a whole week without doing crafts! (oh, the injustice!). So today she says to me out of the blue, "you know, I wrote on that cup a long time ago, like, I was probably 4 and a quarter." (yup, 4 and a 1/4 is a long time ago from 4 and a 1/2 and how does she even know what a quarter is????)

Eden Says: New Year's Edition

2011-12-31T22:38:00.000-07:00

Today I was telling Eden that her dad and I would use our anniversary (June 30) and New Year's Eve to talk about our accomplishments and goals. Before I could even propose that she and I do the same thing she proclaimed, "ok, I'll be dad and you ... just be yourself!"

*******

As we discussed our plans for the upcoming year I told her that I would likely return to work when she was in kindergarten. I told her that it made me kind of sad. She said, "it could be a good thing. You'll get to see your work friends every day and you'll probably make some new friends. It is a good thing to make new friends, right?"

******

I asked her what she thought daddy's spirit was doing for New Year's. She said, "maybe he is at our house. Do you think our house is clean enough for his spirit to be there? [we've talked about keeping our house clean so the Spirit can dwell there.]" I said, "well it is kind of a mess but I think his spirit can be there. He'd probably like it better if it wasn't so messy though." Her quick retort, "well! I'd like it better if his spirit was in his body!" So there Phil!

Happy 206th Birthday!

2011-12-29T13:21:00.000-07:00

Every year since I was born my family has celebrated the birthdate of Joseph Smith. He was born December 23, 1805. Every year the party is different from previous years. It is fun and festive and often silly. It isn't a "holy day" or even a holiday. It is just a birthday party.

This year I got to host the party. We had dinner together (there were 19 of us) and then I split everyone into groups and each group rotated through three stations.

Station Number 1 - using tinker toys create a memorial that is 38 1/2 inches tall. The actual Joseph Smith memorial in Sharon, VT (his birthplace) is 38 1/2 feet tall–one foot for every year of his life.

Sara attempting to stabilize this group's memorial.

Another group's memorial.

Eden peering through the head of Joseph Smith. :)

The final group's memorial.

Station 2 - create a skit or story about one of the events in the life of Joseph Smith. I had printed out some stories from the Friend magazine. Each group used these stories as their basis for preparing their skit.

Natalie played the role of J.S. in this skit.

Brinley was the angel Moroni appearing to Sam as J.S.

Sophie is Emma Smith and Natalie is J.S. while my mom is the mob trying to attack them and steal the plate (doesn't she look menacing?).

Station 3 - each kid was given a description of Joseph Smith and then was supposed to decorate a gingerbread man to match that description.

Finally, we sang "happy birthday" and had cake!

All the little girls got to blow out the candles.

Happy 206th birthday Joseph Smith!

Concerts, concerts, and more concerts!

2011-12-16T21:12:00.000-07:00

What have we been up to? Well, it IS December and we are part of the VM family ...

MW, RMu, JH, MB at soundcheck in Logan.

. . . but that isn't really what we've been busy doing.

Eden and a couple of her friends were invited to sing at a stake function. They were so adorable as they sang "Santa Caught a Cold on Christmas Eve" complete with actions.

I didn't quite capture how adorable and cute they are, but you get the idea. Three blonde, talented, beauties.

But, that was only two practices and one performance. Nope, that isn't what has been keeping us busy.

Lately, Eden has been writing, producing, directing and starring in some major productions at home. We have spent hours preparing for and participating/watching these one-~~woman~~girl shows.

she figured out her Mic stand all by herself. Do you love the two backup singers?

She always has stage decor or sets. Notice the ornaments taped to the wall? I think she was trying to recreate the awesome VM stage.

She opens each show (after a countdown of "the show will begin in 5 minutes, 4 minutes, etc.) with a loud, "LADIES and GENTLEMEN, BOYS, and GIRLS ... the show!!!"

She "wrote" the lyrics and music herself.

Her latest composition is entitled "Star Bright" and so she was adding this most important prop.

The audience: li'l snowman, VM Kitty, mama snowman, and ME!

I had no idea when designing the house that in having a landing mid-staircase I was really creating a stage.

Eden kept leaving to compose the next number. I asked her to show me what she had written. Clearly this music has lots of de- and crescendos. It is moving music to be sure!

And that, my friends, is what we've been up to!

Eden Says: Smarty Pants

2011-12-13T01:33:00.000-07:00

I LOVE having a smart daughter, I really do! But, sometimes it seriously makes my life harder (but also more amusing). Here are some recent examples:

Eden: Why do I have to do what you say?
Me: Because I'm older than you.
Eden: Well, your body is a lot older than my body but I think my spirit might be older than your spirit.

******************

I am making Eden a princess castle for her dolls and Barbies. It is to be her Christmas present from her mama. I am making it out of a bookcase. Today she found the bookcase.

Eden: Mom, what is under that blanket over there?
Me: What do you think is under that blanket?
Eden: I think it is a box and it has a Barbie castle in it.
Me: Nope.
Eden: Well, what is it?
Me: Maybe it is just a new bookcase.
Eden: That would make me sad but I really think it is a castle, I'm going to go peak.
Me: ...and ruin the surprise?
Eden: Yup. (she then walks over and removes the blanket and finds that it is just a bookcase) ah man! Hmmm, I bet you could make a Barbie castle out of this bookcase! I'm going to go get my Barbie and see if it fits!
Me: (defeated)

************

Me: While we are at choir practice you can't interrupt me, ok?
Eden: Even if a really bad guy comes and starts to hit me with his sword?
Me: Well, if that happens you should of course interrupt me!
Eden: And you'll beat him up, right?
Me: Absolutely, and take him to jail!
Eden: (gasp!) during choir????

**************

During the Voice Male concert:
John Luthy: Each of us served LDS missions and we wanted to share a little of the languages we each learned...
Eden: Ah man, can we go to the bathroom now!?!

(this just cracks me up because it is no secret that I, and other VM wives, have a hard time sitting through that bit of schtick time after time.)

My Grief Library

2011-12-10T21:10:00.018-07:00

It seems that I am often being asked to recommend books for those who are experiencing grief and loss. I certainly do not claim to be an expert but I have come across a few books that I really appreciate. There have been many that I have found to be less than useful. I am especially surprised at how few good books I've found to help children understand death and grieving. It seems that many books are trying so hard to cast a large net (being politically correct and trying to encompass all belief systems) that they end up serving no one. Having said that, here is my current list of books I've found useful. I'll add more as I find them.

Tear Soup by Pat Schweibert

Although this is a picture book, I think it is more for adults and older kids. I think it is a great story that helps us all realize that grieving is different for everyone and that you kind of have to make it up as you go. I think this is a great gift for someone who has lost someone close to them. It doesn't go into any detail about death (for all we know the woman making tear soup could be grieving the loss of a pet or even just a big change in her life). It does show that it is ok to tell people to back off and let you grieve in your own way. I really like this book.

Water Bugs and Dragonflies by Doris Stickney

This is a simple allegory about death. It doesn't attempt to go into detail about the afterlife but it clearly illustrates that there is one and that although we can't see our deceased loved ones, they can see us. This is my favorite of all the kid books we received. I think it is a beautiful allegory and I've become quite intrigued by dragonflies. If you are Christian, this follows doctrine very well. If you aren't a Christian I think it would still resonate.

A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

If you've read this blog much, you'll know quite a bit about this book. It has been a type of guide book for me. In some ways it has been a validation of sorts. I feel completely dysfunctional in one way or another and then I read over parts of this book and I think, "wow, if C.S. Lewis felt this way too I can't be overly dysfunctional." I so appreciate that he didn't gloss over his feelings or anger. He was very raw in his writings because he never planned to publish them. It was a type of exorcism of his grief. I just think it is awesome. I don't know that I would have been ready to appreciate this book immediately after Phil died. I started reading it about a year or more after he passed and I think that was about right for me. I think this would be a great gift to someone six or twelve months into their grieving.

BOOKS I PLAN TO READ:

On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler
(I remember reading parts of this for a class my first year of college ... many years ago ... and being very impressed. It will be interesting to read it from my current perspective.)

Divine Signatures: The Confirming Hand of God by Gerald N. Lund
(My mom just gave me this for Christmas. It is how our trials can confirm our testimonies of God and how to find purpose and meaning even in the hard times.)

Widow: Stories by Michelle Latiolais

Widow To Widow: Thoughtful, Practical Ideas For Rebuilding Your Life by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg

Photography Ordeal

2011-12-08T23:06:00.000-07:00

We had a photography session the day after Thanksgiving. Those didn't turn out too well and are exceedingly costly to download (hence, no examples here).

Knowing that they weren't going to be much to my liking, I called my sister who was visiting my parents and asked her if she'd snap a few when we got home. Unfortunately by the time we got home the light wasn't good and the wind was bitter. Still she got some decent ones:

Then I talked to a woman here in Cache Valley who is just starting her photography business. I'd seen some of her work and liked it. So, we got together and in 18 degree weather had another photo shoot. She is having a December special so we got the photo session and a disc with all the images for just $25 (no, I'm not missing a zero). Amazing! She is so awesome! Check her out here and some of our photos here:

It's beginning to look a lot like...

2011-12-08T09:10:00.001-07:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again, but I LOVE my view!

Our tree and fireplace

Nativities all around

I salvaged this shelf from the DI and did a complete make over of it. I am loving it!

Bannisters and stairway decked and garnished

Eden has decided to collect nutcrackers

I still collect snowmen

Craft projects displayed (and another nativity)

Eden's tree

Tears

2011-12-04T22:26:00.000-07:00

Tonight Eden saw a picture of herself that was taken just five days before Phil died. At first she smiled as she remembered the event of the picture. Then when I told her that it was just before her daddy died she choked back a lump in her throat and said, "that makes me sad."

This is uncharacteristic of her. She tends to be pretty stoic and full of positive energy. I thought it was a good opportunity to talk a little about how it is ok to feel sad. It was interesting to me how she would start to get emotional and then she would pick out something in the room that made her laugh. I kept bringing her back to the topic of her daddy and being sad. Eventually we both shared some tears and some laughter. We talked about why that picture made her sad. "Because I was so young and I wanted to have my daddy here longer." We talked about what we miss most about Phil (we both agreed that we miss having him hold us). After a fairly long list of things I miss about him I said, "I miss having him help me with things." She surprised me and said with tears, "not me that makes me sad." When I asked her to clarify she said, "if he was helping you he couldn't be playing with me." Then she said, "but I did like it when he helped you cook food for me." Funny.

I asked her if she was mad that her daddy died. She said, "not mad, just sad." She is remarkable, she's never exhibited a "why me" attitude or shown any kind of anger. Of course, she may yet experience those feelings, I guess we'll see.

It was just a good reminder that we are stuck with this reality and that even though our lives are blessed and happy, we still continue to grieve and mourn and that is right. It also made me remember that as Eden grows and develops, her grief will evolve and I need to be in tune with her and with the Spirit in order to best help her acknowledge and work through each phase.

In the meantime, although it was bitter-sweet, I'm grateful to have shared tears with my amazing child.

Eden Says: Power of Prayer

2011-12-03T09:47:00.000-07:00

Me: Eden, I'm making egg gravy for breakfast.*
Eden: Oh, goody-goody, that's what I wanted for breakfast! How did you know?
Me: I guess I'm just a smart mom.
Eden: Yes, I've been praying that you'll get smarter and remember things better. It's working!!!!

classic Eden!

*Egg gravy is met with mixed reviews, either you love it (Eden) or hate it (Charlotte). It was one of Phil's comfort foods as he came out of chemo treatments and could start handling food again. It is something my dad's mom used to cook. Even among my siblings it is either hate it (Heather) or love it (me).

Giving Thanks

2011-11-26T11:31:00.000-07:00

Eden added a feather to this turkey each night before bed.

True to her nature, she was very clear about what to write each night. I love that she wanted to do the writing most nights. In case you can't quite read it in the picture, here is what she is thankful for:

Scriptures
Voice Male Kitty
Rocking Chair
Toys
Our House
Candles
New Curlers
Pillows
Sunshine
Snow
Fish
Heather and Charlotte
Grandmas and Grandpas
Mike (her uncle who, as it turns out, told her to write his name that night)
Mom
Eden
Friends

Mia the Fish and the purpose of death

2011-11-20T21:03:00.001-07:00

Mia the fish died today. She is the fourth fish to die in as many weeks. For some reason this one was different. Two days ago (the day Mia's friend, Barney died) I said, "it looks like Mia is dying too." Eden immediately dropped to her knees and said, "quick! I'll say a prayer!" I wanted Eden to be prepared for what I thought was the inevitable so I said, "well, that is a good idea but sometimes those we love still die. Remember, we said lots of prayers for daddy but he still died." "Yes mom, but it was okay for daddy to die but not Mia the fish!"* She then proceeded to offer up a heartfelt prayer. She asked her Father in Heaven to help her know how to help Mia live.

At the same time I was fervently praying too. "Please, please answer this prayer for her! Help me know what I should do to help this fish. She just wants this fish to live and You can't have a higher plan for this fish so help us help it to live, please!" Miraculously Mia lived for three more days. In that time Eden seemed to become resolved with the passing of this one more fish. She has done the flushing of the other fish but hesitated to flush Mia. Eventually she did and there were no tears.

Having fish was a "Phil thing." As a little child, Phil thought he would like to be a veterinarian. He loved animals and showed such compassion for them. Perhaps the only conflict we had that was never resolved was whether to get a dog. He wanted one but only if it could truly cohabitate with us . . . indoors. I was ok with idea of a dog as long as it never cohabitated with us. Finally he asked if, for Eden's second birthday, we could get a fish. I agreed. We had four die in quick secession and then came Happy who lived and lived. Phil changed the water and made sure Happy was fed. Eden and Phil would look at the fish and talk to it and each other. It was their thing.

After Phil died, we moved and left Happy behind. Since then Eden has been anxious to get fish again. Each attempt by me has failed. This time I bought an actual aquarium (we've always just done a bowl) with a filter and lights. I've purchased water test strips and read articles about how to keep goldfish alive. I thought it was a bit ridiculous to spend all this money on creatures that cost 13 cents each. So, I upgraded. I bought Barney and Mia for around 3 dollars each. Still, I don't have Phil's sense. Phil loved the fish and Eden. I love Eden and therefore want desperately to be successful with the fish. Perhaps that is the difference.

http://e2.aqua-fish.net/imgs/articles/goldfish3.jpg

*I've wondered what she meant by "it was okay for daddy to die." I think what she meant is that she realizes and understands that death is what was best for her daddy. He was so sick. This doesn't mean that she doesn't have hard times. She does, but in her amazing faith and perspective she knows that Phil's death was appointed and that we've been supported and succored through the daily hard times without him.

SNOW!

2011-11-18T22:24:00.001-07:00

I don't ski.

Only occasionally do I sled or make snowmen.

I'm not a fan of driving in the snow . . . or shoveling it.

So, why do I love it when the snow falls and when the ground is white?

There is just something magical and cozy about the snow. I find it hypnotizing as I watch it float down from the sky. I love that at one moment the flakes are small and come down fast while the next moment those flakes are large and floating. I love watching it turn from rain to snow, the way it did today. Eden and I watched out our deck doors and acted as cheerleaders for the snow. "Come on! you can do it, just a little cooler and you'll be snow. There! you were snow for a moment, but, oh you are back to rain, what? that looks like snow again. Hooray!!!!"

I love how the trees look with new snow on them. The evergreens are flocked and the contrasting white and green is beautiful. I like the bare trees even better though. Yesterday they were naked, their leaves having departed. Today they have a thick blanket of white on every limb. The snow clings to each branch and twig. It should seem precarious (and if you are walking under one, you might agree that it is). Yet, as I look at the snow-covered trees they seem perfect and as though they could never change.

I look out to my deck and see the chairs that should have been put in my garage. Layered on top of each is several inches of fluffy, pure white snow. Seeing it stacked and undisturbed by shovels or wind, it seems pristine and soft. While safely (and warmly) inside my home, the snow seems cozy. I have the perfect excuse to hibernate, warm and protected.

Winter and Christmas songs begin to percolate in my mind and eventually find life on my lips. "Walking in a winter wonderland . . . let it snow, let it snow, let it snow . . . I'm dreaming of a white Christmas . . . snow is falling all around, on the housetops on the ground . . ." Such upbeat music and lyrics can only bring smiles.

Having exorcized the happy music my mind is now free to reflect on other things. Inevitably I think of my ancestors who didn't have strong, thick walls. They didn't have gas heat or a fireplace that went on and off with the flip of a switch. Instead, they lived in drafty cabins and lean-tos. One was among the many who got stuck in terrible snows while crossing the United States to come to Utah. When her rescuers found her she was already suffering from frostbite and hypothermia. One man insisted she run beside his carriage rather than getting into it. She was mad. Later she realized that by getting her heart pumping and elevating her body temperature he had saved her life. Later, they married and became my fourth-great grandparents.

I imagine those grandparents didn't have the same love affair with snow that Eden and I have. But, thinking of them and watching it snow while tucked warmly in my home is all part of my snow experience. Strange that their story has become part of my romantic fascination with snow.

I love snow!

I really need to remove the tags from my trees.

procrastination has kept these chairs on the deck too long.

Margaretta Call

Anson Call

The difference one little letter makes!

2011-11-17T19:36:00.001-07:00

For our nightly scripture reading, we read from the children's version of the scriptures but then I select a verse or two from the story to read directly out of the actual scriptures. I whisper it to Eden and she "reads" it out loud. Last night I whispered, "for the Kingdom of God is at hand." What Eden repeated back cracked me up, "for the Kingdom of God is a hand?"

Priceless.

Phil's Hand
I assume this and the other hundred close ups of his face, hands, teeth, etc. were done as a study in human anatomy (for artists). How cool is that?

Eden Says: You Bug Me

2011-11-07T09:54:00.002-07:00

The scene: Eden is in bed, I've just woken her up by rubbing her back and telling her it is snowing (which she loves) and that school is at our house today (which she loves) and that I'm making her pancakes (which she loves). I'm a sweet good mommy and she is full of smiles. And then...

Me: So I'm going to go downstairs and make those pancakes, will you come down in a couple of minutes?

Eden: Sure!

Me: Oh, and I don't think I've told you this TODAY, but "I love you!"

Eden: (grunt) I KNOW!!!! YOU TELL ME THAT ALL THE TIME!

Me: But I haven't told you today. Do you want me to never tell you that again?

Eden: (thinking) No, but it DOES bug me sometimes, you bug me sometimes!

Ah yes, my four year old teenager still exists!

Eden Says:What a Ride!!!!!

2011-11-06T13:24:00.000-07:00

Eden just told me of a new roller coaster she has invented. I had no input in this except to ask if it is a water ride. She came up with all the details and the concept ALL BY HERSELF. Our certain potty-talking friends should be so proud ... you know who you are.

Eden: Mom! What if one of the parks had a really big roller coaster that was shaped like a toilet?

Me: A Toilet?

Eden: Ya, mom! And to start the ride you would get flushed down the really big toilet.

Me: So is it a water ride?

Eden: No! It will just be painted to look like water, and sometimes it will be painted to look like pee! And to go on the ride you have to put on yellow outfits and you sit in seats that are painted yellow so it is like YOU are the pee and then when you would be coming out of the toilet, that's when the ride would stop.

Me: WOW!

Eden: I know, that would be SO awesome!

Me: Can I put that idea on the blog for the whole world to see?

Eden: Sure mom, it really would be so awesome!

Halloween

2011-10-31T22:20:00.000-06:00

Did you know I have the talent for dragging birthdays out over several days or even weeks? Did you know that I'm "done" with Christmas shopping in October so that I can spend November and December partying it up for the holidays? Did you know that I once convinced several eligible bachelors to create their own bridal gowns and then make up an interpretive dance using a hatchet? (That last thing was part of a 7 Brides for 7 Brothers party Charlotte and I hosted.)

Well, you might say I like to have fun and to make that fun sstttrrrreeeeettttttccccccchhhhhhhh!

Eden is the same way. We have been celebrating Halloween for weeks now. We started with our church party about two weeks ago. Well, I started before that because Eden had her heart set on being Bat Girl. So, as soon as we were home from DW, I sewed her costume just in time to go to the ward party.

I loved her pink hair and cat eyes! I also loved her wrist bands, I thought the costume turned out pretty cute.

Next, we had Eden's preschool party last Thursday (this is the conventional preschool, not our co-op one). For that, Eden decided she wanted to be the Snow Queen. This costume was already in our costume closet but it needed a few repairs and embellishments. We braided her hair the night before for volume and then curled it the morning of. We worked hard for this look. She informed me that "Queens" are moms and so she needed to be wearing makeup.

That brings us to today. Today she had her other preschool (the co-op one). She was once again the Snow Queen but opted for an up-do.

Trick or Treating at Lee's Marketplace

Snowflakes. She had me hot glue those two on her ears! Fortunately my glue gun is a "low heat" one.

As I began to get ready as a witch, Eden decided she needed to be a witch too. She put together her own costume and took my hat. So, for trick-or-treating, she was a little witch.

My cackle frightened more than one tween out on this dark night.

Eden had a pretty good cackle of her own.

We had a really fun night. We made spudnuts and our neighbors did hotdogs, marshmallows, and hot cocoa. The night was perfect weather. We walked around our neighborhood with Heather (my sister) and Mike and their kids and Josh and Sara. It was a very fun night!

Eden Says

2011-10-29T16:30:00.001-06:00

Eden's new hybrid word:

Perrific!
"perrific" (adj.) – the blending of perfect and terrific.

As in: "this drawing I'm doing is just perrific!"

She's a genius! I'm thinking this one could go viral! I'm imagining tweens all over the planet saying: "oh my gosh, those boots are just perrific with that belt!" or "this is the most perrific lip gloss ever!"

When that happens, I want Eden to get full credit.

My Grief Observed: Post 12

2011-10-26T00:11:00.000-06:00

"I think I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense. It comes from the frustration of so many impulses that had become habitual. Thought after thought, feeling after feeling, action after action, had H. for their object. Now their target is gone. I keep on through habit fitting an arrow to the string, then I remember and have to lay the bow down. So many roads lead thought to H. I set out on one of them. But now there's an impassable frontierpost across it. So many roads once; now so many culs de sac." –C.S. Lewis.

No wonder I have had a lack of feeling and thinking, I've just been stuck at the end of a culs de sac. Bored, frustrated, and lost.

The day Phil died he said to me (through his noisy, irritating Bi-Pap mask) "this is going to be a lot longer than a Voice Male weekend isn't it?" Those weekends of separation were hard on us. Isn't it ironic that a couple who couldn't make it through a nine-hour work day or a weekend apart without several emails, texts, and messages should now be faced with such a long separation? Dreadful.

I think this kind of relationship existed because we were friends first. Long before we fell in love, we were unified. Years before we were sealed, we were inseparable. Lewis says it like this, "If we had never fallen in love we should have none the less been always together, and created a scandal." That was Phil and me, not yet in love, but together none the less.

We were an excellent team. Once married, we took to heart the idea of being "helpmeets." For the most part, we focused on the happiness and needs of each other more than on ourselves. Although not perfect, Phil and I had a really amazing relationship and marriage. Sometimes I feel bitter that something we'd worked hard for and had begun to achieve so well was cut so short.

Lewis shares some similar feelings. "'It was too perfect to last,' so I am tempted to say of our marriage. But it can be meant in two ways. It may be grimly pessimistic–as if God no sooner saw two of His creatures happy than He stopped it ('None of that here!'). ...But it could also mean 'This had reached its proper perfection. This had become what it had in it to be. Therefore of course it would not be prolonged.' As if God said, 'Good; you have mastered that exercise. I am very pleased with it. And now you are ready to go on to the next.'"

He continues: "I wonder. If, ... for both lovers, and for all pairs of lovers without exception, bereavement is a universal and integral part of our experience of love. It follows marriage as normally as marriage follows courtship or as autumn follows summer. It is not a truncation of the process but one of its phases; not the interruption of the dance, but the next figure."

He may have a point. It wasn't until Phil moved to Alabama that some very necessary personal growth occurred. That growth, during separation, is what ultimately allowed us to consider our relationship differently and take the leap of faith that resulted in our marriage. Because our marriage is sealed with the sealing power of Elijah, it does continue. Perhaps, in God's wisdom, this temporal separation will be the very thing that makes our marriage truly eternal.

In the meantime, I'd sure like to send a text or email or phone message just saying, "hey, been thinking about you..."

Eden Says: Get Your Smile On!

2011-10-24T20:52:00.000-06:00

Our awesome neighbors invited us to FHE tonight. After a great lesson (about serving others) by Korrie, we carved pumpkins. It was so fun. Before we went to their house, Eden was talking to her pumpkin. She said, "enough of your sass-a-frass little pumpkin, you're going to get your smile on!"

Eden drew her face on and then did the majority of cutting all by herself.
She was pretty proud of this pumpkin with his smile on!

The gang - check out the pot-o-gunk.

Brittlee showing her goo while Korrie laughs in the background.

Doug, the master.

Spencer, Eden, and Abbey showing off their work.

Brittlee, Abbey, Eden, Korrie, Spencer

with the flash on

Eden's got his smile on pretty well, don't you think?

squash-head (I carved a summer squash) he glows well because his skin is thinner

Kitty (carved by moi)

Eden told me that this pumpkin is really for her dad and that we have to take it to the cemetery. I think I want to keep it though.

I should mention that Eden's adorable pumpkin was grown in her cousins' garden and sent to us from Burley, Idaho. Thanks Brinley for a great pumpkin!!!

Eden Says: Better, but harder

2011-10-23T12:36:00.000-06:00

In order to maintain harmony in our home, we have set some goals for Eden. If she does them for seven consecutive days we will be the proud owners of a new pet, or two. Yes, I'm talking about fish again. She did great for four days but on day 5 we had to start over. This is the context for the following conversation:

Eden: Thanks mom, I love you.
Me: (enjoying such nice, unprovoked words) Thank you, isn't it nice when we work together and show and tell each other that we love one another? I just love how our home feels when we are keeping our goals, don't you?
Eden: Well ... yes, but it sure is harder!

Ain't that the truth? Good relationships are hard (but so worth it!).

DW: The Characters

2011-10-20T21:44:00.000-06:00

Eden loved meeting several Disney characters. Brian bought her a pen and autograph book and she made good use of them.

DW: Day 4

2011-10-20T21:12:00.000-06:00

Our last day in Orlando was spent at Hollywood Studios and Epcot.

I think this was my favorite day. The weather was great (less humid), Eden was feeling 100%, and it was relaxing fun. Oh, and Corrie, Madeline, Eden, and I went on a dessert blitz through the nations of Epcot. Where else can you get dessert in Italy, France, China, Thailand, etc. in about 1 1/2 hours. Nice!!!

In line for the Toy Story ride (the most awesome ride ever!)

Eden with her 3D glasses on the Toy Story ride

Two painted girlies

Eden was captivated by Beauty and the Beast

Eden wanted this picture for G'pa K. He loves Cars.

On the shuttle headed to Epcot

Watching Fantasmic

Leaving ... so sad.

DW: Day 3

2011-10-20T13:06:00.002-06:00

This title is really incorrect. On day three we left DW and went to Universal Studios' Island of Adventure! The Gross family didn't join us, they went to Sea World instead.

The Super Heros (Spidey and the X-Men) showed up

The HULK. I LOVED this rollercoaster! Eden and Corrie loved not going on it.

In line for Jurassic Park ride. This was probably the biggest ride Eden did.

Lunch at the Three Broom Sticks

Seuss land.

Ride, Brian, ride.

Harry Potter Land

Hogwarts

Eden was able to travel the parks in style thanks to this stroller and Brian, Corrie, Maddie, and I pushing her everywhere.

Eden loves the movie Soul Surfer so she thought this was really fun.

DW: Day 2

2011-10-20T10:58:00.001-06:00

Our second day in Orlando was spent at Magic Kingdom.

Small World

Julie, Hope, Madeline

President Dewsnup, Carter

I LOVE this picture of Erin and Eden. So cute.

This was Eden's favorite ride: Buzz Lightyear

The Magic Carpet Ride. Just as I took her picture a camel spit in her face. LOL

Dole Icecream ... Maddie's happy place (well that and turkey legs)

Our three blondies headed into the Snow White ride (for the first of four times)

You can't tell, but that is Cinderella in her carriage at the light parade.

Exhaustedly happy and sufficiently magical.

DW: Getting There and Day 1

2011-10-19T22:15:00.001-06:00

Sunday night (the night before departure) Eden woke up about 9:30. She was very sick to her stomach and began throwing up. In between each upheaval she would say:

I. HAVE. TO. GO. TO. DISNEY. WORLD! (puke)

She was pretty violently sick for about three hours and then awake for another three. We watched both Tangled and Cinderella during this time. I was glad I was packed and ready to go because I spent that night helping her and washing bedding, clothing, etc. The last time she had a stomach virus involving vomit was when Phil died. These were NOT good memories. She was sick for two weeks that time. Fortunately this was a much shorter illness. My brother and BIL (and sister) came over and administered to her. Priesthood blessings are really hard for her. She remembers receiving them through her daddy and when she needs one she ONLY wants her daddy. That, in turn, really gets to me so we were both sobbing and upset. Once we each had a blessing we both felt better. She was sick one more time after that and then began to feel somewhat better. I was worried about exposing a whole plane of people. I did some research and learned that stomach viruses are not airborne and so I felt ok taking her on the plane. We sanitized like crazy so that she wouldn't pass it along. I also learned that a person is contagious for a minimum of three days after their last symptom so we were pretty vigilant about sanitizing, not sharing food or lip gloss, etc. the whole time we were in Orlando.

We had an afternoon flight so that was good. It gave Eden more time to improve. Eden told me that she would sleep the whole time from Denver to Orlando. It wasn't a full flight and so she got two seats and laid down. Sure enough, she was asleep before take off and woke up just as we were landing.

Here we are just beginning to land in Orlando. She'd had nothing to eat all day. She held these crackers but didn't eat them.

She was so excited! She wore this specific shirt because it has owls on it and Corrie loves owls. Truth be told, Corrie is probably sick of owls by now.

Our first day was spent at Animal Kingdom and then a couple of hours at Epcot.

On the Animal Kingdom Safari ride. Eden was feeling better but pretty weak from having no food and little sleep.

Our friend, Mike.

Eden looking at the rhinos.

Who knew hippos were so social ... and submerged???

African Crocs or are the alligators? I really should know the difference, eh?

My FIL knows what these are called from his time in South Africa. I, of course, have forgotten.

Look how close he is!

Check out this baby elephant! So cute!

Look closely and you can see the baby behind his mother. The guide said this baby was 2 or 3 days old!

Eden taking in the magic at the Lion King Show

The Lion King show really was amazing! The acrobats were especially incredible.

I think this was at Epcot. Check out Erin and Eden. Brian had to go in there too because some bully kept shoving his way in front of them and they just patiently waited. Finally Brian helped the other kid move along.

I LOVE this picture of her! This was at Epcot.

Erin totally enjoyed her ice cream at Epcot

I don't have pictures, but everyone's favorite thing that day was Captain EO (the 1986 Michael Jackson short film). None of us will ever forget the compelling lines like, "oooh! (said in a high pitch) we're going in!" or "they all think we are losers but we aren't!" Maddie may never forgive us for making her watch it.

http://love4mj.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/1986-captain-eo.jpg

But really, why not save the whole galaxy (and beyond) with the secret weapon of singing and dancing? GLEE may save our planet some day, who knows?

Where Dreams Come True

2011-10-19T13:33:00.001-06:00

In January 2010, my parents and one of my brothers' families were headed to Disney World. They invited my little family to join them. I felt really hesitant during the whole planning process. In fact, my brother got kind of irritated with my lack of commitment to his plan to provide us a family memory. Our lives just felt so uncertain at that point. Finally I committed. Our plan was for Eden and I to drive to Orlando and Phil would join us by plane after teaching classes for the week.

Our bags were packed and in the car. I had planned to leave right after church, but decided to put it off until Monday morning. That night Phil didn't sleep. He was up coughing all night. I decided I needed to take him to the doctor. I wasn't sure what to do with Eden. She was expecting to go to "Mickey's house" not a doctor's office. Fortunately my friend Norma (the one who made us the gorgeous quilt) happened to stop by, she just felt impressed to check in before we left. Eden left with her and Phil and I headed to the doctor. What followed was two weeks in the hospital followed by oxygen at home and just four weeks later, Phil passed. We didn't make it to "Mickey's house."

One of Phil's last requests was that I still take Eden some time soon.

Our good friends made that request happen.

Hope, Erin, Eden
(Eden just saw this picture and said, "I'm the tallest 4 year old there ... I'm the only 4 year old there.")

Their generosity and kindness helped us be able to go to Disney World last week. These folks are regular Disney people so they knew exactly how to get the most out of our trip there. Some other good friends joined the vacation. I'm so grateful for such awesome friends. Our lives have been so blessed by truly selfless, inspired, fun people!

Now, get ready for some pictures!

Linda

2011-10-18T22:43:00.002-06:00

When Phil began his treatment for cancer I felt extremely overwhelmed. I needed a way to share my fears and exhaustion and uncertainty with a few close friends. I already had a blog but I started a new one and made it very private. I gave access to one sister and two friends. That was it. This is that blog. After about two years I decided to blend the two blogs and kept this one private but opened it up to anyone who wanted to read it. People couldn't search google and find this blog but those who had followed the first blog now had access to this one.

In fall of 2009 I was looking for clinical trials for Phil. I found one in Nashville and I blogged about it. We didn't end up doing that one but did end up in that clinic. For some reason I decided at that point to make this blog public. I opened it up for anyone and allowed it to be found via a google search.

At this same time a couple in Nashville were facing the fears, exhaustion and uncertainty of colon cancer as well. Like Phil and I, they hadn't been married long. Like Phil and I, they were considering clinical trials. The woman decided to do a google search on KRN330 and my (now public) blog post was the first thing that popped up. (Incidentally, I just did a search and my post was on page 4.) She posted a message and we began to correspond.

Although both our husbands were being treated at the Sarah Cannon (did you know that is Minnie Pearl's real name?) clinic in Nashville, we didn't ever meet there. Once we had planned to meet each other but her husband ended up in the hospital. Another time we had planned lunch together but a snow storm forced us to stay home.

My Phil passed in February 2010 and her Tom passed in October 2010. We smiled at the thought that at least they had probably met even though we still hadn't.

Until...

Two weeks ago Linda flew to Salt Lake City. Tom had purchased her a Southwest gift card and told her it was for "a trip to meet Heidi." We are both so thankful for Tom's gift and encouragement.

I picked her up at the airport (recognizing each other only from FB and blog pictures) and then we headed to Temple Square. We went to lunch at the Lion House. For $5 we got two bowls of soup and sat and talked for over an hour. It was so comfortable and familiar. I felt like she knew me better than I knew her because of the blog so it was just wonderful to listen to her tell her life story (and what a story!). Next we spent about three hours in the Visitor's Centers and Conference Center.

Linda is one of the most seeking, learning, humble people I think I've ever known. What an amazing example to me. We had so many wonderful discussions about Christ and scripture and faith and religion.

Then, as we were leaving the Conference Center, I noticed a news crew talking to an older gentleman. I couldn't tell what was up but I wanted to snoop and find out. Well, the crew noticed my snooping and asked if they could interview me as well. It turned out that they were getting reactions to the Pastor Jeffress quote about Mormons. I had to laugh because I'd been answering questions and discussing religion for the past three hours but suddenly I felt like my tongue was tied. I stammered something about the lives of individuals being the proof of their Christianity. I remember I said something about "Mitt" and then thought that sounded disrespectful and so quickly added "...Romney" it was rather comical.

After that, Linda and I headed to Cache Valley where we did all kinds of fun things including the cheese factory, walking around the Logan Temple, visiting Phil's grave, seeing the USU campus, eating at the Bluebird, etc. We also drove over to Bear Lake. It was a beautiful drive with snow on the side of the road and fall colors on the trees. Linda and Eden even built a snowman.

Linda and I agree that the hand of the Lord has been involved in our meeting. Our personal tragedies have brought us together but we learned on this visit that cancer and death are only two things of many that we have in common. I'm so grateful for her friendship and her example!

So much to share!!!!

2011-10-16T08:23:00.004-06:00

Guys! I have so much to tell you and show you. The problem is, I don't have time right now (Primary program today - I'm sure that will be a post too). Here is a little something to entice you to check back:

1. An amazing three days with an amazing friend whom I met through this very blog but only met in person 9 days ago. What a great time, what an inspired meeting, what a fabulous example to me, what a wonderful friend! This is a story worth tuning in for. (Oh, and did I mention it involves cults and my appearance on the news???)

2. An amazing five days with some amazing friends at the "Happiest Place on Earth!" Pictures, pictures, and more pictures coming to this blog very soon.

I do just have to say that even in the middle of really terrible things (like cancer and death), the Lord is aware of us and allows our lives to intersect with individuals who bless our lives, bring us great happiness, and fill in some of the gaps. Both these forthcoming posts are ultimately about the tender mercies of God and the wonderful people he has put into my life!

Stay tuned...

Just So You Know

2011-10-06T00:25:00.000-06:00

Voice Male is pleased to announce that after months of auditioning some of the finest talent in Utah, we have finally found someone crazy enough to give up some of his precious free time in order to hang out with us. Seriously though, we were very impressed with the amazing talent we saw during the auditioning process. Thanks to all who auditioned or encouraged others to audition.

We are very excited to introduce to you the newest member of Voice Male: Richard "Rick" Murdock (yup, that makes us Mike, Mike, John, John, and Richard, Richard). Rick is a solid baritone with a sophisticated wit. He is a great addition to our group, and we can't wait for you to meet him and for him to meet you. To learn more about him, click here. To read his account of a primary chorister's nightmare, click here.

We hope you will all come out to one of our Christmas shows and meet Rick for yourselves.

I think that Phil would be very happy about this. He was very earnest in his desire for VM to continue. Of course he didn't want to be replaced but he knew that for VM to continue doing the good they do, a new baritone would need to be found. Rick is no Phil. He's not trying to be. He brings something unique to the group and yet it seems his sophisticated wit and subtle humor honor Phil and Phil's spot on the stage. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with folks and let them know that I got to be part of the process and I feel really good about adding Rick to the group. I hope everyone will continue to enjoy and support VM.

Eden Says: Happy Birthday!

2011-09-30T22:09:00.000-06:00

Today is my brother's birthday. He is turning 26. I asked Eden what we should get him for his birthday. Her reply?

"Jeans like mine!"

She had just gotten a pair of bedazzled skinny jeans and was wearing them.

As we all know, Eden pretty much gets what she wants.

Uncle Josh is a good sport!

Happy Birthday Josh

10 Things I Love About Phil

2011-09-27T23:59:00.000-06:00

His smirky-bashful smile.
The way he would get choked up whenever he sang about the Savior. His lips would get tight and he would have the most vulnerable, and yet, humble/thankful look on his face.
His tenderness whenever he held Eden.
His tenderness whenever he held me.
His testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. He recognized that it was not always easy to be a disciple of Christ and yet he chose to be one anyway.
His love of all things beautiful.
His eyes that would steal a glance and in the flash of a moment communicate so much love and intimacy.
His integrity.
His sense of justice and his hope for mercy.
His tireless desire to be and do right.

Another Ship Metaphor

2011-09-18T18:58:00.000-06:00

In my most recent post about My Grief Observed, I included a fair amount of imagery about ships. My good friend Charlotte had her own ship metaphor this week. It is DEFINITELY worth a read. What a good reminder that we all have the grace of Christ available to us. I really like the "parable" of the mother, child, and piano lessons (not to mention the adorable picture of 8-year old Charlotte).

So, go here and give it a read.

Isn't she adorable? Look at that concentration!
I didn't get her permission to "lift" this picture, but I think she'll forgive me.

Inspired Callings

2011-09-18T18:44:00.000-06:00

I am listening to the Mormon Channel. They just had a segment on the importance of callings to serve within the gospel. Many apostles shared stories about extending callings and the inspiration that is involved during those times.

President Monson told the story of when he was called to serve as a counselor in a Stake Presidency. The new stake president and other counselor had been extended their callings and had agreed to serve in those capacities. He, on the other hand, first heard of his assignment the same time that everyone else heard of it. He was called from the pulpit. We don't hear of that kind of thing happening much anymore, but let me tell you one story.

Two years ago, Phil was serving as the first counselor in our branch presidency. The stake president had moved and the second counselor had been called to be on the stake high council. Phil was excited for the reorganization of the branch to take place. His cancer was spreading and we were just starting the immunotherapy in Nashville. We were fairly sure that he would not be called to lead and that it was likely he'd be released as counselor.

The weekend of the announced reorganization came. We were in South Carolina. Saturday night, Voice Male had two concerts in Camden, SC. Our plan was to drive back through the night. We were exhausted and I even suggested that we get a hotel and miss our branch conference. Phil had not received a new assignment and so it didn't seem necessary that we be there. Phil, however, had given his word to the stake president that he would be there to conduct branch council. So we drove.

We arrived home and got three hours of sleep before it was time for us to go to church. We got ourselves ready and decided we didn't need to take two cars because Phil would be free to leave right after church, since he was being released.

We both attended branch council. The stake presidency was there. Phil conducted. We were excited about the completion of Phil's service in such a demanding position. We were excited that the branch was being reorganized and would again have full leadership.

Then, it was time for the reorganization to be announced. Phil was released. Phil was then presented to the congregation as the "acting Branch President." I assumed that the stake president had caught him in between meetings. Nope. Phil was very surprised although he didn't look it on the outside (in fact, I don't think most members ever knew he hadn't been called in advance of that moment).

There were times I wondered what was going on. Why wasn't he called, sustained, and set apart? I don't really know. But I do know that during those four months, Phil grew an incredible amount. Four days before he died, a new Branch President was sustained. Phil gave his testimony in that last meeting. He had such confidence and spoke as a humble leader. He'd always been humble but he hadn't always been a confident leader.

Our callings to serve truly are inspired. Sometimes it is easy to forget that we are called of God.

Eden Says: Gender Edition

2011-09-17T19:00:00.000-06:00

Eden: All kids grow up and have kids. Well, just the girls have kids.
Me: Boys don't have babies?
Eden: Nope. They get to pass the sacrament instead.

My Grief Observed: Post 11

2011-09-17T01:51:00.001-06:00

I'm often apathetic.

Before Phil died, I would never have described myself that way. I lived my life with passion. Whatever I focused my passion on became important and alive and vital. Lately, I can't seem to muster passion or drive or even sustained interest.

C.S. Lewis describes it like this:
"And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn't seem worth starting anything. I can't settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness."

Oh how I relate! I keep telling myself it is time to get focused on something. It is time to get excited about something. It is time to take charge of my life once again. Sometimes I get the slightest beginnings of a vision, but, like the vivid dream that is suddenly incomprehensible with the morning light, it turns too quickly to a vague impression.

Now, this pathetic blabbering isn't to say that I never smile or feel enthused. Well, maybe I don't feel enthused. I don't know. Certainly, though, there are things that make me smile all the time. Eden is a great source of lots of smiles. I enjoy things but I just don't feel excited or passionate. I've tried to discern the cause. Is it because once you've faced cancer and death, everything else just seems inconsequential? Maybe, but that sounds a little grandiose and simplistic all at the same time. Or, is it that without my best friend and soul mate I'm kind of empty, un-whole?

That last thought brings the tears. I miss Phil so much! I was told once, "you are at the helm of your great ship of life with the capacity of steering it away from the shoals of unrighteousness into the calm waters of peace, understanding, and love." I've always loved that imagery. There is such a sense of power and yet it is a power that leads to peace and calm. But, how can I be expected to maneuver the shoals of life without my rudder?

Keeping with the ship metaphor, I'll turn back to Lewis:
"One flesh. Or, if you prefer, one ship. The starboard engine has gone. I, the port engine, must chug along somehow till we make harbour. Or rather, till the journey ends."

It is the monotony of chugging along without a harbor in sight that often keeps me up at night. Tonight is different though. I'm up late tonight because as I was putting clean sheets on my bed, I glanced up at a picture of Phil and said (out loud) "are you seriously dead? how can that be?" Then I began to sob. I mean, uncontrollable crying. The tears mimicked the falling rain outside my windows. My insides hurt so badly. My grief was intense. And, here is the weird thing, I was relieved to feel so much passion.

I'll turn once more to Lewis:
"This is one of the things I'm afraid of. The agonies, the mad midnight moments, must, in the course of nature, die away. But what will follow? Just this apathy, this dead flatness . . . Does grief finally subside into boredom tinged by faint nausea?"

I've had enough of nausea.

Kesler Time

2011-09-12T22:37:00.000-06:00

We had a fabulous weekend visiting with the Kesler gang a week ago. Here are the pics.

Bradyn and Eden had fun taking "close ups" of each other.

Cousins: Henry, Bradyn, Eden, Brenyn, and Caroline

What do Kesler children do at family parties? Play on their IPads of course! There were four IPads at the party.

Charlie

Brenyn and Caroline

Eden and Bradyn
Eden announced to me later that night, "mom, I'm kinda in love with Bradyn."

The b'day boy, Dan

Bella

Anna

Uncle Ken giving Eden a great ride in his Mustang

She loved it and announced to me after the ride, "mom, I think I'm kinda in love with Uncle Ken too!"

Eden Says: School Edition

2011-09-12T14:08:00.000-06:00

This year we are again doing our co-op preschool. We have four kids so each mom takes one week a month to be the teacher. We meet on Mondays and Wednesdays for two hours. I love it. It is so fun to get to see Eden in the school setting and it is fun to come up with creative lesson plans.

Eden has friends who are going to more traditional preschools and she decided she wanted to do that in addition to ours. The cost for four hours a week is only slightly more than the cost of gymnastics for two hours a week so I gave Eden a choice. I told her I thought she should do gymnastics but that the choice was hers.

Eden: I just LOVE learning so much mom. Why don't you want me to LEARN?
Me: (eye-roll) I do want you to learn, I just think four days a week might be a bit much and you were so excited to start gymnastics again.
Eden: Well, I CHOOSE to LEARN!

So, I enrolled her in a Tuesday/Thursday preschool.

Last Tuesday she woke up and before even getting out of bed began chanting:
"School Day, SCHOOL DAY, SCHOOL DAY!"
She went. She loved it.

Wednesday she woke up and before even getting out of bed began chanting:
"Another School Day, ANOTHER SCHOOL DAY, ANOTHER SCHOOL DAY!"
It was at our house. She loved it.

Thursday she woke up, drug herself into my room and flopped on the floor.
Me: It is another school day!
Eden: (groan) This is getting to be a bit much!

Ten Years Ago

2011-09-11T00:25:00.000-06:00

Ten years ago today I was getting ready for work and listening to the radio. It was announced that it appeared a small commuter plane had hit the World Trade Center but at that time it wasn't thought there would be much damage. Then the coverage began to be more accurate.

I remember driving to work at USU and sitting in my car in the employee parking lot. Many cars were there but no one was leaving their cars, or rather, their radios. We all sat in horror and listened as we learned this was likely an act of terrorism and that more planes had possibly been highjacked.

I remember finally extricating myself from the car/radio and running into the Student Center where I worked and where there were televisions in the hallways. I watched in horror as I saw the towers fall. I don't remember if I saw it live or if what I was seeing was replayed footage.

I got into my office and we immediately made arrangements for a television to be brought into the Registrar's Office. It was as though nothing could be as important as what was happening to our nation. We were being attacked and all we could do was watch.

Before long, my phone rang. It was from extension 0113. It was Phil (who worked in the adjoining building as a campus graphic designer). Phil, who had a hard time articulating emotions at that point in our lives, simply said, "I just feel the need to reach out to someone. How are you?" We talked for a bit and after all the planes were grounded and more attacks seemed to have been averted, I walked over to his office for a chat about how precious life is and how frightening it can be.

Today as I watched some of the memorial coverage, I thought about how it is estimated that between 30,000 and 50,000 people could have been working in the buildings. Wikipedia says that another 200,000 people passed through each day as tourists. That is amazing. Add to that the thousands in the Pentagon and the Capitol and it is truly miraculous that the death toll was not so much higher. This is not meant in any way to belittle the lives of the 2977 victims that died. It is to say that even with all the miscommunications and breakdowns in security and intelligence, the citizens of the USA were remarkable that day. The first responders and the flight control and the military all did amazing things.

Three weeks later Phil and I had the opportunity to attend LDS General Conference inside the Conference Center in Salt Lake City. We were fortunate to have excellent seats. I watched curiously as a secretary (I assume that is what he was) answered a phone (not even a cell phone) and then wrote a note that got passed from one apostle to another until it was received by President Gordon B. Hinckley. Moments later he announced to all listening that a war in Afghanistan had begun. It was such a somber time. However; I remember President Hinckley encouraging us to be hopeful and to stay centered in faith and goodness. I love that his message was of unity, charity, and preparedness. He warned us of a "vulnerable economy" and urged us to earnestly pray for those who would carry out the cause of freedom. He asked us to not panic or go to extremes. He gave us wonderful advice. It is not too late to take heed.

Here is part of that Prophetic address:

For Charlotte

2011-09-07T23:42:00.004-06:00

Have you ever walked by something a million times but not really registered some detail about the thing?

This Stone Lion Fountain is on the front of my in-laws house. I never noticed it, I guess, until about a month ago when I was doing some weeding around it and I thought, "hey! that is a Stone Lion! My friend Charlotte collects photos of Stone Lions!" But, alas, I did not have my camera.

This past weekend I had my camera and I remembered to take a picture and voila (not wala, HATE "wala") ... behold the Stone Lion!

Eden Says: Hobby Lobby Edition

2011-09-07T21:21:00.001-06:00

The Scene:

I have just purchased a craft project kit for Eden but it isn't hers right away, she has to earn* it. We are driving home and amid road noise and NPR on the radio I hear this:

Eden: I just HATE work, I don't like to work, it makes me tired, working is hard. I'm not really a worker, I'm more ... play-ish.

Me: Aren't we all?

*Eden earns "tickets' (aka: pink slips of paper with nothing on them except for greasy finger prints from Eden) when she does a series of chores. She usually earns 2 or 3 a day. This item is worth 10 tickets and she was devastated that she would actually have to work for a few days to save up enough tickets to buy the kit.

***********

The Scene:

We are in Hobby Lobby looking at all the fun fall stuff. We are looking at those wooden and metal garden signs that have cute pumpkins or sunflowers or scarecrows or whatever. Eden insists that we buy one and stick it in the ground at Phil's grave. She has asked this for every season and I haven't agreed but today I thought, "why not, they are on sale."

Me: Ok, which one do you think would be nice for daddy's grave?

Eden: (picking up one that is really cute and says, "WELCOME" on it) I think this one!

Me: Well, I really like that one but it says "WELCOME" and I don't know if that really fits where we want to put it.

Eden: Yes it does. It is like saying, "WELCOME back alive!"

http://www.littleredbirdhouse.com/

That just makes me smile so big. What a funny, quick-thinking kid.

Pampered

2011-08-30T22:49:00.000-06:00

bubble bath

Mark bought her this sparkly dress and then when she wanted to try it on he put on his tux and posed with her. So cute!

I LOVE this picture!
I love how she is looking adoringly up at her uncle Mark.
I love how he is so happy making her happy.

Chillin' on the front porch

VM Kitty and the sparkly dress

Eden fell in love with Sid (or is it Syd?) the dog. She spent hours just holding her. This is her goodbye hug.

Baptism and Ordination

2011-08-30T22:27:00.000-06:00

The main reason for our visit to NY was to be there for Stephen's baptism and Alex's ordination as an Elder. These ordinances were done on the same day and it was very nice to be involved.

Most of these pictures were actually taken by Eden.

Grammy and Eden (Grammy gave one of the talks at the baptism)

Grammy, Paul, Punka

Brittany

Alex and Jared

Mark and Wesley

Many of the gang

Andrew, Belinda, Stephen

Stephen and Joey

Palmyra

2011-08-30T22:07:00.001-06:00

Eden in the Smith log cabin upper room. She said, "mom, I feel like I'm in the temple."

rolling down the Hill Cumorah
Josh, Allison, Anson, Isaac, Tanner, Eden, Avery

Eden and VM Kitty with the Moroni statue on the top of Hill Cumorah

Palmyra Temple

Jonny, Jonathan, Alicia, Avery, Isaac, Stephen, Josh, Allison,Andrew, Tanner, Anson, Heidi, Eden

Eden in the Sacred Grove. She fell down and got some scrapes on her legs. Later I heard her telling one of her cousins, "I got these owies where Heavenly Father and Jesus once were." Sacred owies for sure! :)

The Sacred Grove

The funniest part of the day was when one of the tour guide/missionaries asked the kids where we'd been previously and Anson (6 yr old) replied, "on another boring tour." You gotta love the honesty of kids. The kids loved the Hill Cumorah and Sacred Grove (where they could rome freely) but the guided tours (Smith log cabin and Grandin Building) were more than they could take. It was a fun day though and I'm glad we extended our trip so we could join in the fun.

Playing at the Park and Attack of the Seagulls!

2011-08-30T21:46:00.000-06:00

Isaac, Josh, Stephen, and Avery

Beware of feeding the seagulls they aren't shy.

Eden thought it was fun to feed them until they began to surround her and she climbed on the table and screamed for mommy.

Allison thought the whole thing was quite amusing.

Eden has now learned the skill of walking up a slide. What happened to my overly cautious daughter?

Swinging

Boating on Seneca Lake

2011-08-30T18:24:00.000-06:00

Probably Eden's favorite activity of the trip was going out on the boat. She loved it. She got on the tube once (but only when the boat wasn't moving). She also got into the water twice, which thing impressed me greatly. A brave girl indeed.

Grammy, Avery, Alicia, Josh, and Jonathan

This picture of her doesn't really capture how much she loved it. We were on very choppy water and she was hanging on for her life.

I love the look on Jonathan's face. He was so adorable but quite tentative about the whole experience.

Jonathan (the dad) and Anson

Mark. His favorite thing was to find a bunch of gulls and disrupt their time floating on the water. He would tell all the kids to "catch a bird!" Funny Mark.

Grammy, Josh, and Isaac

Jonny wowed us all with his skiing. He said he did it to impress his five boys. Mark asked Eden if her mom would do that to impress her. Eden said, "nope! 'cause I wouldn't want her to!"

Allison and Eden

Captain Andy with a boat load of kids.

Andrew, Josh, Allison, Stephen,Jonathan, Avery, Andy, Stephen, and Eden

Captain Eden - her favorite thing to do on the boat.

Cousins in Corning

2011-08-30T09:44:00.000-06:00

The fountain in Corning. Stephen, Tanner, Andrew, Allison, and Eden.

Uncle Andy shows the kids the river (and how to not jump).

Eden showing her increasing bravery. She was so funny on this trip, she really enjoyed climbing and walking on things and then she'd say, "I'm a brave girl."

Mark, Wesley, Grammy, Andrew, Tanner, Heidi, Eden

Wesley at Harris Hill Amusement Park

Andrew, Tanner, and Eden at Harris Hill

Eden being a Brave Girl again

Eden at the Mall

Wesley at the Mall being a Brave Boy

Alex being a Brave Boy

Wesley

Dog pile on Eden

Dog pile on Allison

Going to the Zoo

2011-08-30T00:41:00.001-06:00

We went to a small zoo about an hour from Elmira. It was a sad little zoo. It's claim to fame is that it is the 5th oldest zoo in America. The problem is that I don't think they have replaced any animals in that amount of time. We walked through beautiful scenery and saw one empty exhibit after another. It is a good thing the company was good and the surroundings were pretty.

Everyone always wants to sit by Grammy. Andrew and Eden won this time.

Eden with her "new best friend" (cousin, Allison).

These birds were about the only animals in the zoo. It was a rather pathetic zoo.

Next to the zoo was a fabulous park. Here Alex, Eden, and Tanner hang out in a large nest.

Eden is stuck in the spider web.

The Only Way to Fly

2011-08-30T00:19:00.000-06:00

We flew to New York in style. This allowed my father (who has some medical issues) to make the trip to see one grandson baptized and another ordained an Elder. Eden and I were just happy to tag along on this pampered trip. We were picked up at the Logan airport (we backed right up to the plane and got on board). No drive to SLC, no security, no waiting. NICE!

Easy to do crafts on a plane like this.

Punka (my dad) just couldn't believe we were flying in such a nice plane just for us.

Blankie, Pillow-E, and an IPad, who could ask for anything more? Well, and your own swivel bucket seat in leather ...

Mom and our catered lunch.

Eden Says: Ear Wax Edition

2011-08-28T13:34:00.000-06:00

The Scene: Eden has some Q-tips and is cleaning out her ears.

Eden: (pulling out some ear wax) Mom, do you know what a cheese booger is?
Me: what?
Eden: well, it is an ear booger that looks like cheese ... a "cheese booger!"
Me: hmmm (smirk).
Eden: they don't taste like cheese though, they taste really, really gross!
Me: hmmm (laugh).
Eden: Mom! Don't laugh, this is not funny, it is gross.

New York, New York!!!!

2011-08-28T00:20:00.000-06:00

We got home today from a FABULOUS trip to New York (the quaint, country-side finger lakes region, not the bustling town). We were there two weeks visiting my two brothers (and their families). It was beyond my expectation, truly a wonderful time. I feel refreshed and relaxed and energized all at the same time. I took nearly 200 pictures. I won't post them all.

Pictures and stories coming soon...

Picture Time - July 2011

2011-08-13T23:23:00.000-06:00

The previous three posts have pictures of some of our fun times in July. Sorry to be behind a bit.

Phil's B'day (in pictures)

2011-08-13T23:17:00.001-06:00

I'm about a month late with these pictures too. Although we didn't have a big get together for Phil's birthday this year (and my virtual one kind of flopped), many of my family happened to be in town and we did go to the cemetery. The kids wrote messages on the balloons and we took some pictures. There was a nice feeling. Eden and I hung out a little longer than the others and had some time for ourselves. The cemetery is a nice place to commemorate Phil's life but I don't feel like he is there so I don't really feel any closer to him there than anywhere else. Still, it is nice. There were others who had left some nice memorials that day and I appreciate them remembering him.

This represents at least one family member from six of the ten siblings in my family.
(from the back, left: Emily, Sadie, Heather, Mike, Michael, Aaron, Josh Sara
middle, left: Grammy, Caleb, Lydia, Sophie, Kristin, Jonah, Jake
front, left: Eden, Brinley, Natalie, Amelia, Emma, Sam, Binh, Anna_

Me with the nieces and nephews who happened to be there.

Eden, riding the stone like it is a horse. She cracks me up!

Pre-Swim Lessons (in Pictures)

2011-08-13T22:56:00.002-06:00

G'pa is an avid swimmer and once was a lifeguard. Knowing Eden would have a hard time with swim lessons, I asked him to help her get used to it a bit. Here he is giving her a swim lesson in his tub. (Too bad my plan didn't really work, she HATED swim lessons)

Grandpa's B'day in Pictures

2011-08-13T22:38:00.000-06:00

I'm a little late in getting these posted (it has been almost a month). Nonetheless, here they are!

Eden was SOOO excited about her card and gift to G'pa

A Kitty statue: the greatest symbol of love from Eden

The Party at Dan and Melisa's

Eden LOVED the bouncy

G'pa with the latest Kesler

Isn't she adorable?

G'pa is kind of boring...

The cake (well, one of them). Melisa lights the candles. Eden is right in on the action, of course.

Eden Says: Daddy

2011-08-09T01:05:00.000-06:00

Eden woke up in the middle of the night. We got talking about her dad, not in an upset way, just in sharing memories. In fact, I was able to tell her some of the stories one of his oldest friends had just sent me (thanks, Jill).

Eden: Sometimes it doesn't seem like daddy is really dead. It just feels like he is on a trip somewhere really, really far away.

We then talked about that for a while and I admitted that sometimes I think I've forgotten some things about him.

Eden: Yea, I've forgotten a whole bunch about him like what we played but I always remember that we played together a lot.

I've got such a well-adjusted and articulate kiddo!

5 Reasons

2011-08-08T14:47:00.000-06:00

A year and a half ago when I was looking to move, I had very specific location requirements. I wanted to be within walking distance of my parents so that Eden could easily walk between our homes. My realtor noted several homes for sale within my parents' neighborhood but then he suggested I meet with a contractor. The contractor was developing a community about a half mile from my parents. It was a little further than I hoped but still within walking distance. After several planning meetings I signed on the dotted line (and handed over a big check) and moved into my new home in this new community.

Man have I been happy with that decision!!! Here are 5 reasons:

1. Evenings like last night when several people in the neighborhood ended up sitting on my neighbor's lawn. The kids played, the adults talked and it was just simple fun.

2. Evenings like Saturday night when we had a block party. Justin grilled, we all ate, the kids roamed from swingset to trampoline and we all kept an eye out for them. We laughed, we got to know new neighbors and learn more about old ones. We have these about four or more times a year and it is so fun!

3. Days like a couple of weeks ago. Many of the neighborhood kids ended up at my house. They wanted to use the box of instruments I have. The next thing we knew we had a neighborhood parade with funny hats (from the dress up box) and instruments. The kids spent about an hour marching up and down the street. We had kids from 3 to 11 in our parade. It was so cute (and I was so bummed that my camera battery wasn't charged).

4. Days like last week when my nieces were here and wanted to make and decorate cupcakes. I didn't want them sitting around being wasted (or being eaten either) so I suggested we set up a cupcake stand. Within minutes three dozen cupcakes were lovingly and happily devoured by our cute neighbors.

5. Help, help, help! I have so many willing neighbors. They have been great to help with big things (think: landscaping) and with small things (like putting out my garbage if I forget).

This has been the perfect place for us. It has been so good for Eden to have lots of friends with whom to play. It has been great for me as well. I love that we are close to family but that we are also forming friendships with great people.

Child-like Faith

2011-08-04T23:19:00.000-06:00

I couldn't find my phone tonight. I was trying to figure out who was on FB so I could get them to call my number. Eden was more wise. She dropped to her knees and prayed that I would find it. I quickly found it after that. I need to turn to prayer more often and more quickly.

Eden Says: I Love You

2011-08-03T11:05:00.000-06:00

E: How did you know that mom?
Me: Because I'm your smartest mom ever.
E: Na-uh. Grammy is. She calls me "sweetheart" so she is one of my moms and she is smarter than you.

... a few hours later
Me: (squeezing Eden's hand) I sure love you even though you don't think I'm very smart.
E: (squeezing back) and I sure love you even though you aren't very smart.

Eden Says: Voice Male and Aliens

2011-07-31T20:02:00.000-06:00

Today Eden was asked to participate in Sharing Time during primary. She was selected by her teacher to tell the whole Jr. Primary something about listening to good music.

Eden (carefully adjusting the microphone like a pro): We should only listen to good music. Like, primary songs and Voice Male.

nice plug!

******

While watching a review of Cowboys and Aliens (and experiencing a rainstorm):

Eden: Hmmmm, maybe the rain is really Alien pee.

Ooooooh!

My Grief Observed: Post 10

2011-07-31T19:06:00.000-06:00

This post is in some ways a continuation of the last. It has to do with faith and questions and the nature of God.

Lewis beats his chest and wails: "What chokes every prayer and every hope is the memory of all the prayers H. and I offered and all the false hopes we had. Not hopes raised merely by our own wishful thinking, hopes encouraged, even forced upon us, by false diagnoses, by X-ray photographs, by strange remissions, by one temporary recovery that might have ranked as a miracle. Step by step we were 'led up the garden path.' Time after time, when He seemed most gracious He was really preparing the next torture."

How I relate to the essence of that statement. Phil was considered "terminal" for one day. In fact, his death certificate lists the duration of illness from final diagnosis to death as one day. I don't know whether to be mad about that or glad about it. On the one hand, I'm glad we had hope and that our doctors were in the fight (for the most part). On the other hand, I sometimes think of missed opportunities. Had we known the time was as short as it was, what would we have done differently? Would we have made more videos? Would we have taken a "real" family vacation (not just our semi-annual trips to Utah)? Would we have done a thousand things differently? The "what ifs" can be a real snake pit. There really is only venom down those paths.

Certainly the doctors all gave us great hope throughout the process, but mostly our hope came from a more spiritual source. Phil had multiple priesthood blessings that seemed to indicate a much longer life and many more things for him to accomplish. At times it has been confusing and even frustrating. I wonder if I just totally misunderstood those blessings or whether our faith wasn't strong enough to see them through or if those men giving the blessings hadn't been inspired. Ultimately, though, I come to the conclusion that my vision is very, very finite. My understanding is so small. I must trust and have faith in something much bigger, grander, and infinite that myself.

Lewis continues speaking about his previous statement: "I wrote that last night. It was a yell rather than a thought.
...Why do I make room in my mind for such filth and nonsense? Do I hope that if feeling disguises itself as thought I shall feel less? Aren't all these notes the senseless writhings of a man who won't accept the fact that there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it? Who still thinks there is some device (if only he could find it) which will make pain not to be pain. "

I think when the emotional grief gets too difficult, the mind tries to reason through it and somehow presumes it can make sense of what has happened. It appears to serve little purpose but seems to be such a natural reaction. Perhaps the process of grief requires some time in the snake pit of "what ifs" and "why fors" and "if onlys." I suppose the real victory is not in staying out of the pit but in getting out of the pit, working through the questions and not lingering on them.

Eden Says: Stinky Breath

2011-07-28T22:59:00.001-06:00

Apparently I need to apologize to my friends John and Valerie because just moments after saying goodnight to them I crawled into Eden's bed for some nighttime snuggles.

Eden: Ooooh, you haven't brushed your teeth yet. Your breath stinks.
Me: (thinking this is my chance to get out of the endless back rubbing that seems to have become nighttime ritual around here) well, I will go brush my teeth then.
Eden: No! I just won't look at you. (turning her back on me so as to not smell my stinky breath) RUB MY BACK!

So, I apologize John and Valerie and Robin and Ted and Bodie and Laura and any of my other neighbors to whom I spoke tonight. I have since brushed my teeth.

Charlotte's Memory

2011-07-24T21:37:00.000-06:00

This is an awesome story and one of the first real bonding moments I had with Phil. It was so fun to work together to play this harmless (but funny) prank on Charlotte. I remember thinking, "this guy is pretty fun to be around, after all!" (I had thought him a bit of a bore and a little grumpy previously.)

The Big Surprise from Charlotte Cantwell on Vimeo.

Jeff's Memories

2011-07-24T21:31:00.000-06:00

(Heidi) Jeff was the Branch President and Phil was his counselor. They served together about 18 months until Jeff moved out of our stake.

Phil and I were driving on I-20 headed to a church activity (can’t remember which one of the many) and Phil was talking to you on the phone and he let you know where we were by saying we had passed the big fishing place in Leeds (The Bass Pro Shop). It was then that I more fully realized that men and women of many different walks of life and interest can and do labor together for the Lord’s causes.

(Heidi) I remember this incident so well. Phil said, "we are passing the big fishing place" and then I heard an explosion of laughter from the sportsman, Jeff. I think he then said, "Phil, that right there tells me more about you than I've been able to learn in more than a month of serving together." They came to be good friends and one of the most tender things I remember about Phil's last day on earth was a visit from Jeff about 10 hours before he passed. These two, very different, men really loved each other.

Phil seemed to always be able to see the good in people. I can’t recall how many times we counseled together as a presidency and as we did Phil would be the soft kind voice that advocated for the person we were seeking guidance for. Phil could always see the redeeming qualities of a person and was positive when speaking of others.

I also remember bringing Zach and Raven over to your house and clearing out that old shed and tearing it down. That was when I started to sense how good of a man Phil was.

I also remember how willing he was to learn his duty. I recall how concerned he was about doing things right like tithing and conducting a meeting. He always wanted to know what the right way was to do something.

I hope this helps. Looking back on my time with Phil I realize that in a short space of time we did so much and tried our best to help others. He was a great friend and counselor and gave so much and asked for nothing in return.

Alisha's Memory

2011-07-24T21:21:00.001-06:00

When we arrived in Oxford in the end of March 2007, Heidi was very pregnant with Eden. We really didn't get to know the Keslers very well until about 4 months later, when because of Phil's cancer treatments we had the opportunity to watch Eden occasionally. We loved having Eden in our home. She always had the best temperament and was so easy to watch. I remember the time I was watching Eden one afternoon and she fell and bruised her cheek after hitting the nightstand in my bedroom. I dreaded having to show and tell her parents what had happened, not because I thought that they would be mad at me, but because I knew that they would hate that something had happened to Eden while they were gone. One of the memories I have of Phil is that he was very protective of when either Heidi or Eden were sick. He was always so concerned if they were sick and very empathetic. I remember how concerned he was the couple of times that Heidi was sick and how he would take care of her in such sweet ways.

Phil endured countless chemo treatments during the 2 1/2 years that we lived in Oxford. I never heard Phil complain about his treatments or being sick. He never used cancer or chemo as an excuse and always planned his treatments so that he could continue working and continue serving in the church. I don't remember him missing very many Sundays or events because of chemo. You would have never have known that Phil was sick unless he told you, which he didn't. Despite the side effects caused by chemo Phil served faithfully in the branch presidency with Jeff. He was a great example to the entire branch and served tirelessly the entire time he was there.

Phil inspires me to want to be a better person. He truly changed my life and I am so glad that I got to be a part of the Kesler's life in Alabama. Thank you Heidi and Phil for letting Eden be a part of our life for those couple of years. We sure do miss you all, but love reading and watching Eden turn into the amazing girl we knew she would be!

Picture taken on the front porch of their house. I'm pretty sure this was at one of the many BpYC or SED meetings we had at their house.

My Memory

2011-07-24T21:09:00.001-06:00

I asked people to share a story or memory of Phil in honor of his birthday. Here is my submission:

Phil had a huge place in his heart for the underdog. It seemed he was always aware of and helping those who were cast aside or forgotten by the majority. People who where shunned or just skipped over by others seemed drawn to Phil. I believe they sensed his genuine care and concern. The awesome thing is that Phil only saw them as interesting people with experiences and perspectives different than his own. He saw them as individuals who could teach him some great things. These friends weren't considered "projects" they were people worthy of his time and concern. I admire that about him.

Just weeks (like maybe three) before he died, Phil learned of a man who had essentially nothing. He asked me if we could share. Phil gave him several blankets and other bedding. He also gave him a bunch of kitchen supplies. Our conversations that morning went something like this:

Phil: Do you need two sets of measuring cups?
Heidi: I guess not.
Phil: Good, we'll give him the extra one.
Phil: Since you have a Kitchen Aid, do you really need a hand mixer?
Heidi: Well, it is nice to have but it isn't a necessity. (I've since bought a new one)
Phil: Do you mind if I give him this set of dishes I had before we got married? (The somewhat expensive and much-loved set, I might add.)
Heidi: Of course not.
And on it went like that until our kitchen was essentially cut in half.

It was so typical of Phil. He didn't leave his wife and child with nothing but he was so excited, almost giddy, to be sharing our blessings and possessions with someone who would benefit from them.

It reminds me of our first Christmas together. We had driven to Utah and on our way home we got stuck in a huge snow storm in New Mexico. Everything was shut down and we were forced off the freeway. We were fortunate to be some of the first to have to exit so we got a hotel room. Hundreds of others were sleeping in their cars. We watched the news in our hotel room and saw so many who were not us lucky as we.

On the second day of our forced stay in Albuquerque we were tromping through the snow to get some food when we were approached by a man. He gave us a sad story about needing money or he'd be thrown out of his hotel. I think there was a daughter and granddaughter involved. I was almost CERTAIN this was a big lie. Things didn't add up and when I offered to just pay for a night in the hotel (paying the hotel manager) he declined with a story about how the hotel manager had threatened him if he approached any other guests. I was disgusted with what I had surmised was a scam. Phil, on the other hand, went to a nearby ATM, withdrew a fairly large amount of cash (some we had unexpectedly received from Voice Male) and gave it to the man. He admitted that I was probably right but that ours was not to question or judge but to give. We had received money that had not yet been put into our budget and who knew if that had not been given to us for just such a cause.

On the third day we met a couple whom we had seen on the news. They were some of the many who were stuck in their cars. Phil offered to let them come to our hotel to shower, watch some television, or take a nap. When the southern route opened up, Phil gave them our hotel room even though we'd already paid for another night.

Such was Phil's faith and charity. He was certain that as he earnestly and responsibly (never at the endangerment of his wife or child) served others, he too would be blessed. We never became rich, but it was always amazing to me how we were able to make ends meet regardless of the costs of tests or treatments.

What an awesome man I'm sealed to. I'm grateful for that legacy of faith and charity and I hope to pass on to Eden her dad's sense of giving and selflessness.

This is bashful-cheesy Phil. He's so cute!

Happy birthday Phil!

My Friend, right?

2011-07-19T00:21:00.000-06:00

This is Lynn.

Today is his funeral and I have the honor of singing at it. Lynn is a pure soul who brought that infectious grin into many lives. He always bashfully gave me hugs when I saw him and then he would turn to our friend Kathy and say, "that's Heidi, she's my friend, right?" He, along with so many others, was quite certain that his friend Heidi and her friend Phil would end up together. He loved going to Voice Male concerts and would say, "that's my friend Phil, right?"

Lynn accomplished this life with endurance and grace and dignity and joy. Lots of joy. He must be so glad to have his huge spirit free to express and communicate and soar as it hasn't been permitted to do in this life. I'm so happy for him, but sad for us. I'll miss that grin, those reluctant hugs, and that assurance of friendship.

See his obituary here .

Eden Says: Random Sampler

2011-07-18T19:59:00.000-06:00

Eden has been singing:
"Hey soul sister, is that Mister Mister on the radio..." (she only knows that line) for the past week.

Today, however, she admitted that although she "loves" that song, she likes it when "that one girl sings, 'Friday, Friday, Friday ...' even better".

I have an Autotune-generation kid!

Here are a couple of recent funnies as well.

Last night Eden wasn't feeling well and I ended up sleeping by her for a couple of hours. Her nose was stuffy and she was snoring. Then, suddenly, between snores she said, "White House" and that was all. Random. Perhaps I'm exposing her to too much NPR?

Just moments ago she asked if she could put some things in her jacket pocket rather than putting them away upstairs. Normally if things are left out they go into our little "Store" and she has to "buy" them back with tickets she's earned from doing chores. She thought the pocket idea was a safe way to avoid the store. I told her that would be ok (because at least they wouldn't be on my floor) but that she would probably forget that is where she put them. She replied, "YOU will forget but I won't. I don't know why you forget so many things." I said, "because my brain is getting old." Then she declared, "ya, REALLY old."

Nice.

Eden Says: Politics

2011-07-15T23:50:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I was looking at a magazine that had a picture of Romney and one of Huntsman. I showed them to Eden and said:
Me: Which of these men do you think should be the next president of our country?
Eden: Neither. I like the one we have.
Me: You like president Obama?
Eden: Yup!

******

This morning as I was preparing breakfast I was listening to President Obama's press conference. Eden was coloring. And then...

Eden: Mom, what is the debt ceiling?

Eden Says: Love

2011-07-12T10:15:00.001-06:00

This morning as Eden was waking up I snuggled with her in her bed and had this conversation:

Me: Do you know who loves you so much?
Eden: Corrie!
Me: Who loves you most of all?
Eden: Grammy?
Me: The very most?
Eden: Well, everyone who meets me just love me so much! You love me and my dad loves me even more than you do AND I love myself the most.

I love her confidence!

My Grief Observed: Post 9

2011-07-10T20:31:00.000-06:00

In chapter two of his book, Lewis really struggles with his beliefs regarding the afterlife. He wonders in what form his beloved wife now exists or whether she exists at all.

"Can I honestly say that I believe she now is anything? ...What do I really think? I have always been able to pray for the other dead, and I still do, with some confidence. But when I try to pray for H., I halt. Bewilderment and amazement come over me. I have a ghastly sense of unreality, of speaking into a vacuum about a nonentity. ...Only a real risk tests the reality of a belief. Apparently the faith–I thought it faith–which enables me to pray for the other dead has seemed strong only because I have never really cared, not desperately, whether they existed or not. Yet I thought I did." (bold added by me)

When Phil died, I felt great strength and support from the Heavens. There have been times since, though, that I have wondered how this can really be part of a plan from a loving Father. I have felt spiritually lethargic more than I care to admit. To experience a "trial of faith" sounds so grand and noble in the scriptures. In my reality, it can actually feel a bit mundane and uninspiring. When the scriptures talk of someone being "past feeling" it makes it sound like someone who is so trapped by evil that they can't feel anything good. Perhaps though, they have just chosen to be numb. Numb to things that hurt, but also numb to things that soothe and uplift. I have spent some time in that place. It is enticing and addicting.

Throughout the scriptures we are urged to be "steadfast and immovable" in our faith. I want to be, but I'm not there yet. Phil had that kind of faith. That is not to say he didn't have his own struggles. He did and they were hard, but his faith in the reality of the gospel was always firm. Mine, however, waivers at times. There are times I feel like my heart is all in it but my head questions how it really makes sense. Then at other times my head seems to have it all sorted out and it "just makes sense" but I wonder if I really have heart-felt conviction. I know I spend too much time second guessing.

Ultimately, I have determined that faith is a choice. It is a choice that I continue to make. Faith is not knowledge. I will choose to suspend doubt at times in order to continue to embrace what has always worked for me. I have never been disappointed in making a faithful decision. Someday I hope to say that I am immovable and steadfast but until then I will continue to learn and seek and grow. I will also (no doubt) stumble and question and flounder. Such is the path of mortality.

Eden Says: Yay for Yates!

2011-07-08T05:10:00.002-06:00

Last week was crazy busy.

Monday - drove home from Alpine, did some basic prep for the landscape installation.

Tuesday - about 100 bushes 12 trees and sod were all installed by some wonderful YM and volunteers. It was a busy, dirty day.

Wednesday - drove to Burley for some family time at a water slide and then a BBQ at my sister's house. While we were there, we had a rendezvous with some fabulous friends (my Laurel advisor and her husband). They and we journeyed back to Smithy that evening.

Thursday/Friday - spent some wonderful time with the Yates (my friends) and family (my brother Paul and his family were here from CA). Also, Thursday was our anniversary. We counted the water slide day and a trip to Lagoon the previous week as our family activity. I let Eden choose where to eat for our anniversary and she chose Olive Garden (mostly because she loves the Andes Mints at the end).

Friday Night - fireworks (see prior post)

Saturday - Plant perennials. (I've got about 50 now)

Sunday - a visit from one of my mission companions and her family. (send me those pics, Sarah!) I fear the crazy week left me pretty exhausted and I wasn't all that fun for Sarah and Nick. Sorry guys.

Mary gave Eden a book and wrote an inscription in it. I read the inscription which ended:
Me: "love Mary and Doug Yates."
Eden: wait, their last name is Yates?
Me: Yup.
Eden: that is soooo awesome! "Yay!" is part of their name!

She is absolutely right, "yay" is part of their name and their attitude. They are such fun, good peeps!

Poor Doug spent most of his time either watering my plants with Eden (the drip line wasn't installed until Friday) or listening to Mary and me talk. He was a great sport on both counts.

Here are some pics:

Josh, Paul, Grammy, Mary, Doug

Doug, Eden, Mary

Anniversary Dinner at Olive Garden
Carol, Kathy, Eden, Heidi, Mary

10 Lame Things that Stink about Being a Widow

2011-07-07T22:09:00.000-06:00

1. Asking other people's husbands for help. (brings me near tears every time!)
2. When I want something after Eden is to bed, I can't send someone to get it for me. (right now I want a popsicle)
3. No one to keep my feet warm at night. (not such an issue now that it is summer)
4. No phone calls in the middle of the day to say "hey, love ya!" (Phil was so good at this)
5. When my back needs scratching, Eden just doesn't quite get the right spot. (Phil hated scratching my back but he'd do it anyway)
6. No one to wear perfume for. (Phil loved to buy me perfume)
7. Cooking for one and a half eaters. (its hardly worth it)
8. Having to take the trash out. (so much for Phil's promise that I'd never have to take the trash out again)
9. Having to keep his grave looking nice. (I think I may be failing, I keep thinking that after I get my yard finished, I need to go take care of my "other" property)
10. No tag-team parenting. (man how I miss those times of saying, "your turn!")

Eden Says: Fixer-upper Edition

2011-07-07T21:51:00.001-06:00

Today we saw an old car that had been all fixed up.

Me: That is an old car, probably older than Grandpa.
E: Maybe it is a new one that just looks like the old kind.
Me: Maybe, but some people like to buy old cars and fix them up so they work and paint them so they look good again. They think it is fun. Kind of cool, huh?
E: Ya, I'm going to do that to my husband someday.
Me: To your husband?
E: Oh, ha ha, with my husband.

It looked quite a bit like this. Photo take from: Ecosalon

For Corrie (and anyone else who wants to see)

2011-07-06T20:21:00.000-06:00

Look at those scouts!

I've since added some perennials.

The other side.

behold the grass (and sprinklers)

Fireworks!!!

2011-07-04T11:27:00.001-06:00

We had the opportunity to go to the fireworks show at the USU stadium. Through awesome connections, we got to sit in the "VIP" section which meant we had seats with backs on them and we were in the shade. It also meant we were really close to the "action" during a two and half hour pre-show. We heard lots of country music* especially by headliners: Diamond Rio. We saw lots of local dancers. My favorite group was the Golden Girls (a group of about 70 women over the age of 50), they rocked! I was only a little upset when one of them told me I should join them (I'd love to WHEN I turn 50!).

The fireworks were awesome (Fireworks West is local to Cache Valley so they put on a good show for the home crowd).

My favorite parts though are captured in these pictures. I LOVED watching Eden and Heather dance. They had so much fun. I also LOVED snuggling with Eden as the sun set and during the fireworks show.

Pictures lifted from Char's blog

This one was taken with my cell phone

Thanks Charlotte for the invite!

*I'm not a fan of country music. Eden loves it.

Bonus Eden Says: Country Music Edition

As we were walking to the stadium:
Me: We are going to go in the stadium and we get to hear lots of music, the kind you like and that I don't like. I don't know how that happened.
Eden: I don't know how it happened either but I sure do love it!
(then we entered the stadium and we could hear country music being performed and Eden began to boogie)
Eden: That's why I love this music, it is fancy music!

Free Concerts This Weekend

2011-07-04T08:14:00.001-06:00

Voice Male has a great opportunity to sing with full chorus and orchestra. It should be a really fun concert. To get your tickets, see here,

I HAVE SOD and TREES and BUSHES and a SPRINKLER SYSTEM!!!!

2011-06-28T23:36:00.002-06:00

That's all I needed to say for now.

I have awesome friends.

Pictures coming.

Hard work.

Tired.

zzz

My Grief Observed: Post 8

2011-06-27T23:39:00.000-06:00

I've been missing Phil a lot lately. Missing the "us" part of Phil. What we experienced together as "soul mates" for lack of a better phrase. He had a way of making my world right somehow. He wasn't even conscious of his ability to set me at ease and temper me and make me laugh at myself and make me feel secure, at ease. I think that is really one of the most wonderful aspects of love. Love is gentle and kind and secure and vulnerable-yet-safe.

Immediately after Phil died I felt that it was selfish of me to miss him in those ways because the only way to have him back would be to have the cancer back too. I just didn't think I could be anything but grateful for his relief. Not just relief from the cancer either. Phil was relieved from all that is ugly and hurtful and tempting and belittling in the world. He no longer has to deal with temporal things.

I was reading in Alma* the other day and read this verse:
"And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow." (Alma 40:12)

How could I be anything but excited that the man I love is experiencing that?

Yet, I do miss his amazing presence in my life. Certainly I have his influence but I really miss his presence.

C.S. Lewis begins chapter two in this way:
"For the first time I have looked back and read these notes. They appall me. From the way I've been talking anyone would think that H.'s death mattered chiefly for its effect on myself. Her point of view seems to have dropped out of sight. ...I must think more about H. and less about myself."

It is that self-centered thinking that I resisted so fiercely in the beginning and yet now struggle to embrace. I must think on his point of view. Certainly he did not want to leave us. I know he longed to watched Eden grow and experience life. He looked forward to growing old with me and serving and laughing together into our advanced years. Death wasn't his choice but I do think it was his relief. I can't help but think upon the "happiness" and "peace" and "rest" that he must be enjoying, yet sometimes I long to have him back all the same.

Lewis says it like this:
"I know that the thing I want is exactly the thing I can never get. The old life, the jokes, the drinks, the arguments, the lovemaking, the tiny, heartbreaking commonplace."

He then mourns:
"They tell me H. is happy now, they tell me she is at peace. What makes them so sure of this? I don't mean that I fear the worst of all. ...But why are they so sure that all anguish ends with death? More than half the Christian world, and millions in the East, believe otherwise. How do they know she is 'at rest?' Why should the separation (if nothing else) which so agonizes the lover who is left behind be painless to the lover who departs?"

Alma's discourse to his son, Corianton*, certainly helps to clarify much of this. I'm grateful for the revelation and inspiration available. I'm grateful that although there is much mystery regarding Phil's current existence, there is much that is clear.

One of the things that is very clear is that Phil and I are sealed for eternity. We have a love that is "galvanized" and eternal. Lewis did not think his was. His sorrow was much greater than mine. His was for a relationship that had ended. Mine is for one that is postponed. I often think of Phil on a mission. He is away but not gone. He is still the patriarch of our home. He is my husband and Eden's father. I can't imagine it any other way. It is no wonder to me that Lewis was heavy with grief. It is hard enough dealing with a temporary separation. I can't imagine the thought of a permanent one.

*Alma was a prophet who lived on the American continent prior to Christ's birth. His son, Corianton, had questions about life after death and resurrection. He seems to have thought that he could live it up in this life because the resurrection would make it all right in the end. In setting his son straight, Alma provides great insight into the time between death and resurrection and the role of the Atonement.

Quiz

2011-06-21T08:40:00.000-06:00

What takes longer to create: a human baby or a landscape?

Well, my friend Robin has created an adorable baby and is now holding that child whereas in the same amount of time I just have trenches with a few pipes running through them.

Argh!!!!!

True Confessions

2011-06-19T23:38:00.000-06:00

I'm addicted to solitaire on my IPad.

LAME, I know.

Eden Says: Father's Day

2011-06-19T23:00:00.000-06:00

You might wonder if Father's Day is hard for Eden. Well, not so far. She continues to crack me up with her insight and wit.

Me: You know, Father's Day is not just for Father's. It is a day we can celebrate anyone who is "father-like" in our lives. Who is kind of like a father to you?
E: Uncle Josh (my youngest brother who lives nearby).
Me: Yes! and who takes you on dates sometimes?
E: Uncle Mike (my sister's husband who lives 1/2 mile away), but he is kind of like a mom and a dad to me.

*******

Sunbeam Teacher: Here is a chocolate bar you can each give to your dads. All the other kids have to give it to their dads, but Eden, you get to choose who you want to give it to. You can give it to your grandpa or to Josh.
E: Hmmmm, I think if I give it to my grandpa he will share it with me. Josh will just eat it.
(so, she gave it to my dad and he did give most of it back to her)
Punka: Give a piece to your mom and to Grammy. Here is a piece for you to eat now and one for later.
E: (eats one, brings one to me and my mom in the other room) Punka said I have to save this one for later. It is later. Did he mean more later or less later?
(we told her to go ahead and eat it)

*******

The primary kids in our ward sang a Father's Day song. It was so thoughtful of my dad to come to our ward so he could hear Eden sing. Eden was thrilled to have Punka and Grammy at our ward but I don't think she thought for a moment they were there because her daddy couldn't be. Last night she told me that she would be singing to her daddy's spirit. She prayed this morning and asked Heavenly Father to remind her daddy to listen to her sing today. After they sang, she affirmed that he had been there.

I love her faith. I love that she has no self-pity. The other day I asked her if she had anything hard in her life. She looked at me in complete confusion and said, "no, my life is easy and happy." I know there will likely be times that she feels life is hard (the teen years come to mind), but I'm so glad that she has such a positive outlook and doesn't feel cheated. In fact, I think she figures she can win any "my dad's better than your dad" battle because her daddy is helping Heavenly Father. She really sees it that way and I'm glad.

Happy Father's Day to Eden's Daddy!

One of my favorite daddy pictures!

Eden Says: Random Sampler

2011-06-18T09:13:00.001-06:00

I awoke the other morning with bags and dark circles under my eyes. I think spring (which has finally arrived in CV) allergies have taken their toll. Anyway I looked in the mirror and expressed my feelings.

Me: Ugh, I'm looking pretty tough.
E: That is good because then if you fall down, you'll just get right back up!

**********

Yesterday morning Eden and I had a conversation like this:

Me: Do you know anyone cute?
E: Me!
Me: Do you know anyone smart?
E: Um, just me and Grammy.
Me: So you're saying that you and Grammy are the only smart people in the whole world?
E: Pretty much!

She later consented that I am smart when it comes to sewing (she wants me to make her a new twirly skirt so I think she's buttering me up).

**********

On Thursday I had to go visit with our neighbor (and financial advisor) Ted. As we were headed into his office, Eden wanted to know what we were doing. I tend to be really honest with Eden. I don't hold much back. I told her that I was paying some money so that if I died (which I really don't think will happen for a really, really long time), our house could get paid for.

E: But I don't want to live in our house all by myself!
Me: I know, I've talked to aunt Emily and uncle Todd (they have three daughters ages 1-5) and they will let you live with them. But, I REALLY don't think that is going to happen. What do you think about this?
E: Well, at least then I'd have sisters!

nice to know I'll be missed when I depart. :)

3 Documents

2011-06-14T12:11:00.000-06:00

Last week I was asked to speak to the young women at church. The lesson was about Eternal Marriage and I'd been asked to share my "unique perspective" as someone who didn't marry until later in life and also as someone who was widowed young in life (man, it makes it sound like life has given me a pretty bum deal!).

Anyway, I started to think about the differences between a temporal marriage and an eternal one. Then I thought of three documents I have. Two are legal and binding on earth and are kept in my files. The third is not issued by the government but it is legal and binding in heaven and it is kept in a frame.

My three documents?

The first document is our marriage license. It was issued through the authority of the state of Utah. Through it, Phil and I were recognized as a legal family while we both lived.

The second document is Phil's death certificate. It was issued through the authority of the state of Alabama. Through it, I became Phil's legal widow and our marriage is legally over.

The third document is our Certificate of Marriage for Time and Eternity. It was issued through the authority of the sealing power held by Elijah and other prophets*. This power was given to them by God. Through it, Phil and I are married beyond the grave.

So, whereas the death certificate negates the marriage license, the Atonement of Christ and His sealing power as symbolized in the Certificate of Marriage for Time and Eternity, negates the death certificate.

How cool is that?

Very cool!

I'm so grateful that families can be eternal. I think of the ease with which Phil and I laughed and prayed and served together and I'm so anxious for all those amazing interactions to continue for eternity. He is my best friend and I'm so thankful we chose to have that friendship sealed in the temple. I'm so grateful for the Atonement of Christ and His authority given to men on earth.

*Elijah returned to earth in 1836 and restored the sealing power. Click here for a brief explanation of that foretold event.

My Grief Observed: Post 7

2011-06-09T11:05:00.000-06:00

Lewis says this so well:
"I have no photograph of her that's any good. I cannot even see her face distinctly in my imagination. Yet the odd face of some stranger seen in a crowd this morning may come before me in vivid perfection the moment I close my eyes tonight. No doubt, the explanation is simple enough. We have seen the faces of those we know best so variously, from so many angles, in so many lights, with so many expressions–waking, sleeping, laughing, crying, eating, talking, thinking–that all the impressions crowd into our memory together and cancel out into a mere blur."

It is so true. I have pictures of Phil throughout my house. His oldest brother did a drawing of Phil and his youngest brother did a sculpture. They all capture something of Phil but none of them can evoke the kind of familiarity and emotional connection for which I long.

I kept two mostly-used bottles of his cologne. I've heard the sense of smell is the sense that is most closely tied to emotions and memory. Every once in a while a take a sniff ... nothing. It doesn't smell like Phil to me. It smells like a cologne counter at the mall. I guess I need the mixture of cologne and the scent of his skin and detergent and everything that made up the "smell of Phil" to evoke those senses.

When Norma was working on our memory quilt she told me that she could smell Phil in the shirts. It must be our detergent but I'm too close to those smells to notice. It is kind of a bummer.

Then again, it may be a blessing.

One time I walked to my sister's house and there bent over in the backyard was Phil's shirt. The one Corrie said made him look like a little boy. My heart jumped with excitement and joy before my head could reel it in. Of course, it was my BIL wearing Phil's polo I'd given him. The feelings were so intense. Such amazing joy and excitement immediately followed by such devastation and grief at my bitter reality.

I suppose if every scent or image evoked that kind of emotion it would become unbearable. How would I function? So really, the blurring is probably a tender mercy. Still, I'd love to sniff that cologne bottle and be transported back to different times, at least once in a while.

Antelope Island Pictorial

2011-06-08T22:05:00.003-06:00

The gang (well, most of us)

She's a natural (I missed the shot of her roping herself, it was pretty funny)

Voila!

The ranch hands (cousins: Binh and Caleb)

Ranch hand Sam

The original RV - she thought it was awesome

While others explored buffalo and swamplands, this cutie (niece, Sophie) explored the finer things. Isn't she adorable????

Eden thinks binoculars are the coolest!

Family shot

Eden had to use the facilities, urgently, and therefore got a ride in this. Later, as we were leaving, she took this picture of it so she'd remember.

Another shot by Eden. She said (as we were almost to our car), "I took a picture of where we've been."

Another "where we've been" shot by Eden

The beach was windy and rainy and my silly nephews got soaked! See them way out there?

Another family shot (yup, we got our toes wet).

The Visitor's Center

After a drive through lightning and thunder and rain, we came home to this!