Tears

Tonight Eden saw a picture of herself that was taken just five days before Phil died. At first she smiled as she remembered the event of the picture. Then when I told her that it was just before her daddy died she choked back a lump in her throat and said, "that makes me sad."

This is uncharacteristic of her. She tends to be pretty stoic and full of positive energy. I thought it was a good opportunity to talk a little about how it is ok to feel sad. It was interesting to me how she would start to get emotional and then she would pick out something in the room that made her laugh. I kept bringing her back to the topic of her daddy and being sad. Eventually we both shared some tears and some laughter. We talked about why that picture made her sad. "Because I was so young and I wanted to have my daddy here longer." We talked about what we miss most about Phil (we both agreed that we miss having him hold us). After a fairly long list of things I miss about him I said, "I miss having him help me with things." She surprised me and said with tears, "not me that makes me sad." When I asked her to clarify she said, "if he was helping you he couldn't be playing with me." Then she said, "but I did like it when he helped you cook food for me." Funny.

I asked her if she was mad that her daddy died. She said, "not mad, just sad." She is remarkable, she's never exhibited a "why me" attitude or shown any kind of anger. Of course, she may yet experience those feelings, I guess we'll see.

It was just a good reminder that we are stuck with this reality and that even though our lives are blessed and happy, we still continue to grieve and mourn and that is right. It also made me remember that as Eden grows and develops, her grief will evolve and I need to be in tune with her and with the Spirit in order to best help her acknowledge and work through each phase.

In the meantime, although it was bitter-sweet, I'm grateful to have shared tears with my amazing child.